May 31, 2007

FUTURE CATCH PHRASES

- Mecca lecca, man - used as a substitute for phrases like, "it's all good", "no worries"

- erotic-photonic - to describe something or someone that is sexy or arouses attraction

- fanta - taken from the soft-drink; recent college grad's who returned home after backpacking in Europe introduced the drink to popular American culture. Most commonly used as an exclamation or form of approval, as in, "that's the fanta" or "those pants are so fanta"

- Honda - as in the automaker. Used as an affirmative, in place of "sure", "yep". Also as exclamation, such as, "that's Honda".

- patrol the goat - used as a cautionary, or a fun yet potentially dangerous activity. "Don't go patrol the goat", "Wanna smoke and then patrol the goat?"

- mang - substitute for "man". "hey, mang", "he's the mang"

- prego's - abbreviation for 'pregnant' and used by guys who are ready to go/leave/exit. "I'm so prego's", "Let's prego's", "I'm ready to prego's"

- Mississip (pronounced miss-iss-ip) - meaning long or arduous. "that train is going to be mississip", "are you seriously ready to mississip?"

May 28, 2007

ITEMS SOLD AT BERT AND ERNIE'S STOOP SALE

- hardcover copy of, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”

- “Sleepless in Seattle”

- broken eyebrow plucker

- beautiful lanyard tablecloth

- two twin beds that conveniently hook together to form one queens size bed

- his/hers towel set

-bunk beds

-water bed

-Barbara Streisand LP’s

- cute fish tank

- peppermint bon-bons

- assortment of pink Valentine's Day Pez dispensers

- primary colors

- sleeping caps

- encouragement

- bed time stories

- Barbara Streisand autographed photos

- postcard from Provincetown

- warm fuzzies

UNSUNG TALENT OF HIGH-BUDGET HISTORICAL ACTION THRILLER

- real cyclops

- wooden teeth appraiser

- master storyboard specialist on extinct fauna

- assistant to the philatelist

- High Victorian Era white noise replicating machinist

- special needs advisor

- druid coat-clad fluffer

- situationalist

- chief librarian and curator of the document and scrolls division

- outdated steel-cored swiss ball arobicist

- quill and ink writing coach

- guy who morphs into a wolf

- beveled matting instructor

- marine endocrinologist

- lingual specialist in 13th Century Gaillego-Porteguse in the vernacular

- comic-relief munitions specialist

- facial hair pathologist

- caterers for team of vegan prehistoric animals

- butcher, baker, candlestick maker

- pyrotechnomaniacist

- walking stick expert

- fabulous team of period room fabric makers

- phrenologist

- understudy to "guard number 3"

- person responsible for holding on to the key for the suitcase that hides the special captain's booty

- prosthetic octupus arm consultant

- inquisitionist

- irony enforcement

- antique smelling coach

- Tom, keeper of the gallows

- The Queen Magistrate of ostentatious and highly unlikely costume jewelry

- maintenance crew on 'copper smelting' shot

May 26, 2007

FOSSIL PLANTS

- toptutatus tortillas

- butrosbutros galigali

- jawsasillus frenchgueana

- espestospecio prestissimo

- requicockous confutatis

- beta cracka

- indianus trojanus

WORDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE ON A SCRABBLE BOARD

- UNIMMATURE

- GHOSTBUSTER

- GHOSTBUSTERS

- BEEFPEXTATION

- 2PAC

- ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM

- A.K.A.DICK

- WORDULARIUM

- LEARNINGLIER

- MOSHE'SDELI

- WEWISHYOUAMERRYCHRISTMAS

- R2D2

- PAULNEWMAN

- BETHESDA,MD

- ALF

- DIEZAUBERFL├ľTE

PHOBIAS


- geneophobia - fear of one's own genes

- beacuseophobia - irrational fear of using articles in written and spoken English

- sarousaphobe
- irrational fear of sarousaphones

- GREATOPHOBE
- someone scared by his/her own GREATness

- remotecontrolophobia
- aversion to remote controls and all life-enhancing tools

- folicacidophobia
- fear of neighbor's folic acid intake

- teleptobphobe
- one who is scared of telepathy; teleportation

- genrephobia
- fear of artistic categorization, see also pretentiophilia

- leptonophobia
- being scared of sub-atomic particles

- unknownophobia
- fear of unknownophobia

- undulophobia
- fear of undulating

- Galaptogophobe
- one who is afraid of vacationing in the Galapogos Islands

- heliophobia
- irrational fear of helium

- eminemaphobia
- fear of white rappers

- createophobe
- one who is afraid of creating on any level whatsoever

- sprockophone
- one who is afraid of the German schprocket

-
slutskayaphobia - fear of Russian women; see also olgaphobia

- propsophobia
- fear of receiving or throwing props to friends and family. see also: shoutoutophobia

- blobophobe
- fear of blobs

- vistaphobe
- fear of software updates

- trilesalectinophobia - fear of camping equpiment

- paniniophobia
- irrational fear of paninis

- assbergerssyndrophobia
- fear of leopard print decorations and fabric

- nondysthymiaphobia
- fear of not being not-happy

-
extremesalineophobe - one who is EXTREMELY allergic to salt

-
narniaphobic - fear of the make-believe and fanciful; see also sedimentaliphilia

-
yupectsophobia - fear of dire consequences and all forms of derision

-
slantoscaphobia - fear of seeing performance of "Tosca" sitting anywhere other than middle seats of the first mezzanine

-
elipsaphobia - fear of circles with irregular radii, see also rectangaphobia (fear of drinking Tang)

- hyperhemiacongealophobia - fear of imminent and sudden death

-
opulantophobia - fear of German automobiles with the exception of late model Volvo station wagons

-
chillaphobia - see A.D.D.

- semisubconsciousophobia - fear of inattention to any sub-cutaneous or barely-noticeable epidermal abrasion


May 18, 2007

FRUITS ENJOY THEIR 15 MINUTES OF FAME

- because Madonna wrote a children’s book about it

- cantaloupe finishes lab maze race quicker than rat opponent

- farmers’ press conference limited because of crop’s exposure to 170 degree dry heat

- growth hormone used to enhance taste instead causes ubiquitous Groucho Marx nose and glasses costume




- pumpkin so large it required hospitalization and several months recovery from gastric bypass surgery

- signs of artificial intelligence can only sustain interest for so long


- for a very brief period the TSA required all travelers to remove their pineapples before security checks

- neighborhood watch group convinces local media to film discussion of dingleberry re-zoning laws

- commercial push for Valentine's Day chocolate substitute - passion fruit - never gained consumer support

- prickly lychee fruit lacerates patient during exfoliating process

- coconuts outlawed in Iran after government learns that name contains the word "nut"

May 17, 2007

PSYCHOLOGISTS BLAME SPOUSAL ARGUMENTS ON CITIES AND COUNTRIES

- Seoul lard is a big part of this cookie recipe. Why don’t you just shoot me!

- You know that constant chewing sound makes me so Hanoid!

- Why won't you let me take the top down and head towards the beach on the recently opened Beirut.

- All I ask is that you pick up a list of things we need for tonight’s dinner party: apple pie, canoli, and Arubarb pie. Can you please get it right this time?

- Sometimes I just need to get away from the ball and chain and get a drink. You checked out the bar at the new flop house, Bangalore?

- Sorry, but your Minneapolis not as enticing as it used to be.

- Son, you catch him doing that one more time and I give you permission to go to court and Baghdad.

- The light brown walls are already showing signs of Beijing because of the direct sunlight. I told you they needed at least one more coat of paint!

- Yo Terence, you almost hit me when you bumped dat corner. You always saying that it’s chill because Dakar has a perfect safety record, but it’s you that don’t, ya hearing me?

IT'S A COINCIDENCE YOU MENTION THAT BECAUSE:

- I happen to be flexing that muscle at this very moment

- she said no

- Alan just ran out the door to buy me some Preperation H. for my roids

- my doctor ALSO said Mylanta

- as much as I would like to go, I just can't

- the buzzer was just about to go off

- Nora Roberts is also on my list of favorite authors

- I was already considering donating my estate to KFC

- my son already sent in his applications to a laundry list of top tier schools for my, I mean his, benefit

May 16, 2007

THINGS YOU WILL FIND UNDER GUARNERI STRING QUARTET'S BED:


- scrotum enhancing boxer-briefs

- body soil

- cake of prophylactic rosin

- the cleaning lady's old wristwatch

- Black and Milds, patchouli incense, tweezers used as roach clip

- racial tension

- carbon-graphite alloy tuning fork

- Souvenirs from 1998 Burning Man

- performance enhancing drugs

- salves, balms, creams

CASUAL CLERGY CONVERSATION

- do our clergy cards still get us a 50% discount at Amen's Warehouse?

- let's trade hats and see if anyone notices

- drink of mine bloody water and dip of my dillwad

- that's what she didn't say

- men on the right, women on the left, trannies in the middle

- the truth will set you free

- let's set our differences aside and get shitfaced

- you down with a paideia?

- chug, chug, chug, chug. wooooo!

- Zoroastrianism is so last week

- Baruch atah can we go home yet?

May 6, 2007

GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT

- tooth fairies, because you’re 40 and still haven’t lost your baby teeth

- advanced medical treatment

- AARP membership discounts at Denny’s

- vote of confidence

- end of season clearance sales

- equal rights

- Korean orphan

- circumcision ritual

- the end of a two-hour long A.A. meeting and a handle of Jim Beam

- a box inside a box inside a box inside a box, revealing yet another box, albeit gilded and jewel-encrusted

- sweet release

- Jeep Grand Cherokee , fully loaded

May 5, 2007

THIS IMPENETRABLE FORTRESS

- business level subscription to SPAM filter

- deceptively placid stream of liquid mercury

- THE beef curtain

- fear of the afterlife

- Barbara Bush clone army

- Norelco razor wire

- motes filled with primordial ooze

- 9,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall

- Gahdzilla

- 12 gigawatt surround sound broadcast of NPR’s “Democracy Now”

- force field with red laser beams and mirrors

- The People’s Federated Republic of Dilbert

- doors that open onto fields of padlocks and puddles of superglue

- Jerome, Reginald, Tyrone after insulting their mother

- steel reinforced copies of Teen People forming 10’ walls

- front line of mock Civil War enthusiast convention key note speakers

LADIES WHO LUNCH

- Ani Defranco

- Lady Di, Princess of Whales

- Mr. and Mrs. Peepers

- Waltzing Matilda

- Mazda Miata for her and hers

- Agnes and Dorothy

- old fat chicks

- The Doily and Lace Fashion Patrol

- the book from Oprah's most recent book club

- 1994 Lillehamer Olympic Gold Metal Swedish Women's Ski Team

- weekly online Brooklyn food eating club

- Wells Fargo middle management early 40's weekly lunch

WORDS AND PHRASES COMMON IN GERIATRIC HOMES


- Phyllis, how many times do I have to tell you? The straw in your mouth is connected to your catheter, not your glass of juice

- Can someone please take advantage of me?!

- Was that me?

- Wizzle ist mein shizzle?

- She's just doing that for attention

- You can blame 80 years of gravity for your skin flaps.

- Rudy ate mine

- Please ask the warden if he can reconsider his use of mechanical advantage to better accommodate his residents' wheelchairs. I suggest lengthening the ramp so as to allow for a 10% reduction in gradient.

- My daughter promise to bling-out my dentures with a mad gold grill, yo.

- Look Blanche, Rocky and Bullwinkle!

- Ma'am, if we put the potted plant that far to the left it will be five feet outside the window.

AROUND THE WORLD IN THE YEAR 2017


- Jamaica enjoys a resurgence in popularity of the empire waistline

- Sri Lanka elects Queen Amadala as country's leader




- U.N. finally recognizes Phantom of the Opera as a sovereign state

- Poverty level in Calcutta increases from a diet of smoldering refuse to water-based paint

- Spring Break Suriname

- Taiwanese women forced to wear pants

- North Korea continues its reign as longest running temper tantrum

- Germany decriminalizes Autobahn bongloading

- Black population discovered in Uzbek disco

- Antarctica is just chillin', yo

May 3, 2007

REALLY FAT PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO SAY THE FOLLOWING WORDS:


- jiggle

- stain

- fold

- roll

- smelly

- gurgle

- stain

- drippy

- yeast infection

- cottage cheese

- chunky

- flap

- penetration

- gesticulate

- birthing fluid

ESKIMOS HAVE OVER 40 NAMES FOR THE WORD 'SNOW'

- Tracy

- Nose Fuzzy

- Flurry McFreezy

- Rambo

- Phillip

- White Death

- Magic

- Melt Stuff

- Deceptive

- It's not just snow it's a way of life

- Breathtaking

- Scarce Resource

- Flake of many Gods

- Dandruff-like

- Particle Patty

- Lean Cuisinie

AND THAT'S A FACT!

hawks' eyesight is approximately 50 times better than a human with 20/20 vision. if you multiply this figure by five it becomes 250 time greater

- based on evidence collected from the Hubble Telescope, scientists believe that Ancient Egyptian society was so advanced allowing them to put a man on the moon

- many Africans are so poor they are forced to eat tin cans

- able-bodied people are more likely to have full range of motion than those with physical handicaps

- if harnessed the energy created during a plane crash could light the city of St. Louis for two minutes

- it would take 15 million people holding hands to give the world a giant hug

- the average male thinks about sex 75 times per minute while the average female things about sex four times every hour

- 95% of all dogs found in captivity are thought to be pets

- it takes approximately 10 million North American red ans to equal the weight of the average female African elephant

- the largest piece of paper ever produced was made in China in 100 B.C.E. it was the length of five football fields

- the telephone is considered a modern invention because it captures the human voice

- a violin string vibrates at the same speed as a racecar traveling at top speed

- if I were paid every time you said that I'd be a wealthy man

- thousands of asteroids disintegrate in the earth's atmosphere everyday. the cumulative weight is as much as one million gallons of water, or 10 million pounds

- if each person in Japan flushed the toilet at the same time it would cause an earthquake measuring 4.0 on the Richter scale, which is half the force of the deadliest earthquake on record

- light emitted from the sun has a cangle power of five trillion to the power of seven

- an equine's dulap contains millions of bacteria that serve no known physiological purpose, much like the human appendix. however it is believed that an olympic-sized pool filled with the bacteria could eat through a lead wall five feet by ten feet

- when unraveled the intestine of a grown cow stretches 2,000 miles long, which is the distance between New York and Denver

- psychologists believe that the human brain can be separated into four quadrants representing a specific emotion. they are: lust, sex, erections, and biological impulse

- one out of every 1,000 measurements is correct. the others are very close, but not exact

- by the year 2040 the home computer is expected to be a rational yet argumentative humanoid the size of a pencil tip

- it would take 100 years to eat the largest cheese wheel on the planet. its exact wiethy is unknown, but estimates suggest that it is comparable in size to five jumbo jets

ON A SCALE OF 1-10. 1 BEING THE LEAST-TRUE, 10 BEING THE MOST-TRUE

- Honda Accord wins J.D. Power and Associates "Best in Class" for fifth year in a row 7

- a picture's worth a thousand words 4

- inevitability 2

- watch for falling prices 10

- it depends on who you ask 3

- we know that the proof is in the pudding 1

- the world was created in God's image 9

- imaginary numbers are not actually numbers 2

- the termperature is warmer today that yesterday 5

- the Target Corporation laid-off 3,600 employees during the first quarter of the 2006 fiscal year 8

- if you set your mind to it you can do anythign 3

- based on extensive market research all 770 participants in study expected gas prices to fluctuate in the immediate and long-term future 6

- the word "serum" is NOT the same as "siren" 9

- we are the song, we are the future 6

- bring in da noise, bring in da funk 10

- ultimate truth is ultimate happiness 1

- male gymnastics is more emasculating than male figure skating 5

- it is not physically possible to sail the seven seas 8

- your actions are hurtful, but afford us the opportunity for growth and renewal 2

- a judgment call is pretty much a judgment 7

IF I HAD A HAMMER I'D:

- kill those little buggers that destroy my perennials

- glue your mouth shut

- save money on health insurance

- threaten (with greater frequency)

- advocate more effectively

- reverse ugly hair plugs

- find new and enterprising ways to use the fork-type thing on the back

- compensate

- have the luzury of using the guess and check approach

- fortify my dragon lair

- rip the nail out of the wall in my bedroom that has been tearing my clothing ever since I moved into the house

LEAST COMMON SIDE-EFFECTS FROM OVER-THE-COUNTER HEARTBURN MEDICATION

- progeria

-teen pregnancy

- throwing caution to the wind

- hide

- proficiency in C++

- ocular trumpetitis

- raging homosexuality

- the fifth Beatle

- abdominal hair growth

- S.I.D.S.

- immediate and steady rise in technology stock portfolio

- penile meningitis

- lactating underarm sweat glands

- hot dog fingers

May 2, 2007

ALTERNATE SPELLINGS OF THE WORD 'BOLOGNA'













- balonee

- belowknee

- bahloanie

- bolonee

- bzahloni

- baloon

- bjalonie

- Former Secretary of State Madeline Albright

- sun bonnet

RRECENT ADDITIONS TO STARBUCKS MENU:

- Intel Pentium VII drip brew

- Carbon Fiber Macchiato


- Fat Soccer Mom Caramel-Butter Brew


- A Regular Fucking Cup of Joe

- Mozart Symphonic Latte

- Lucid Dream Daily Feel Good Drip

- 400³ Shot Espresso Buzz

- Basil

- Liquid Crisco Mocha Latte

- Raising Awareness for Free Trade Rwanda Roast

- Mocha for Middle Management

- Whale Oil Frappe

- No-Foam Oxymoronic Cappuccino

- Easy Lax Pepto Steamer

- Ebay Countdown Special Reserve

- Triple Cream Cocoa Booty Shake

- Goose Liver and Onion Flavored Coffee

- Hazelnut Toasted Beanie Baby Brew

- Winter Cozy Comfort Cup

- Starbucks Cock Block Special Roast

- Serbo-Croat Blended Electric Drip

- Venti Mochachichali├▒o

- Double Filtered Swill

- Ugandan Collaborative