June 29, 2007

WHAT TURTLES DO TO GET IN THE MOOD

- steal a lily pad from its neighbor frog and then running off to giggle underneath the footbridge

- lock lips for like five hours, because turtles move really slow

- take ten minutes to walk across the aquarium and then another ten to whisper a few sweet nothings

- by not just saying, but actually doing

- purr

- wear those jeans that hug all the right places

- put the kids to bed

- clean the poop off the log

- climb on top of each other and never being able to get off

- say, "let's take it slow"

June 28, 2007

UNOFFICIAL HOLIDAYS

- Hottest Day on Record Day

- Feast of Melifazorb

- Limit All Conversations to Words that Start with the Letter 'H' Day

- Nothing is Impossible Day

- Toby's Day

- Baruch Kibbutz Matzoball (Jewish)

- (Really) Tepid Day

- Passing of the Eagle

- Force Your Son to Work Day

- Atticus Finch's Birthday

- Buddy-Up Day

- Dobre Den (Good Day, Russian)

- Day of the Holy Mount

- Taming of the Shrew Day

- 24-hour Festival

- Congratulate Your Daughter Day (families)

- Commemoration of the Throne

- Day of the Week

OUTRAGEOUS GIFTS EXCHANGED AT LAST YEAR'S WHITE ELEPHANT PARTY

- topsoil used by Abraham Lincoln

- Glue, the main character from the movie, "The Return of Glue"

- autographed jersey from the Bite Me Hall of Fame

- sepia tone module

- box of skin abrasions

- grab bag of 1.5 million spent ink jet printer cartridges

- 'Ergo Dome'

- unidentifiable yet authentic relic from the Coptic Church

- garment bag sewn of tungsten fibers

- really uncomfortable sexual euphemisms

- certificate of monetary gift equaling: 1/800 of an orangutan, 4 purple mushrooms, 1/6 cockatoo, 10² meters of rainforest

- unheard sounds

- a spool of electric tape that when unwound could wrap around the equator five times

- 'moon coral'

- the gift of knowing you are celebrating yet another year of exchanging meaningless crap

- three used beef bullion cubes

June 27, 2007

PHRASES THAT ATTEMPT TO EXPLAIN THE NATURAL WORLD

- "The principles of selective randomization remain a mystery"

- "Everything happens for a reason that is not always predetermined"

- "The clock of time is like measuring a miracle"

- "Natural forces can be synthesized to resemble their natural causes"

- "Pixilated thinking yields fractured methods of logical reasoning"

- "Reciprocal dividends work towards a common goal"

- "The cycle always returns to its beginning"

- "Left to their own devices, Chance and Reason would cancel each other"

- "History has shown that natural selection tends to choose what was meant to be"

- "A circle turns because it is in constant motion"

June 26, 2007

CONFUSING JOB TITLES

- under secretary to the sub-committee

- initiative officer

- associate to the executive manager of marketeer'ing and conservation efforts

- hyphenated-specialist

- associate vice president

- patron saint of academic studying

- part-time czar

- second tier totalist

- actions and repercussions adviser

- professionalist

- international and world-wide optical and vision-focused tenured professorship

- personalized care assistant

- grand master of underlings

- creativity analyst

- pneumatic device and machine optimizer

June 25, 2007

I FIND IT REALLY INSENSITIVE WHEN YOU:

- encourage Grandpa to drink his pants through a straw

- insist on calling me Diane when you know my name is Tom

- huddle

- urinate on books

- mispronounce 'niche'

- treat the dining room table as a pommel horse whenever guests are over, in an attempt to relive your success as an Olympic gymnast

- bring up my 'weight issues' at public speaking events

- limit your cell phone coverage just to spite me

- order in when we're already out

- say, "oh no you didn't" each time I fail the bar exam

- hang out in the refrigerator, because your body temperature sucks up all the cold air letting the rest of the food rot

June 24, 2007

HALLMARKS OF A DECADENT HIGH SCHOOL

- administration refers to students as 'clients'

- Bose loudspeakers

- ATM's outside each classroom

- afternoon tea served with organic Madagascar cane sugar and creme de la creme

- mink pelt chalkboard erasers

- headmaster is Sultan of Brunei

- Hermes uniforms

- mahogany humidors hold ornate cherry wood pencils

- students give teachers Faberge eggs as Christmas presents

- cafeteria eating utensils include demi spoons and cheese forks

- most common punishable offense is double parking Bentley convertible

- biology taught out of original hand drawn Audubon books

- field trips include behind-the-scenes tours of Sotheby's

- students choose between scribes and stenographers for note-taking

- electives taught in Queen's English, and 'football' class in Cockney

DEATH METAL COVER SONGS

- Satan has a Goiter

- Cry on Your Wound

- Birth Demon

- Blood in Cistern

- Cervix Couch

- That Rank Newton

- Three-Pronged Noose

- Drown Your Weasel

- I Take Back Everything I Ever Said, and More!

- Awww Shucks

- The Nazi Surprise Party

June 23, 2007

MOST DISGUSTING FOOD AND DRINK TO WATCH OTHERS EAT

- trough of yellow dye no. 5

- chum bucket

- congealed mealworm juice

- offspring

- deep-fried yak endocrine system

- scar tissue

- human placentae after 'hanging out' in direct sunlight on the hood of a car

- secretions

- floor scrapings from a day's run at the fish market

- litter of gentle kittens

- 'nose raisins'

- burnt crispies

June 22, 2007

WHAT THREE YEAR-OLDS DO FOR FUN

* * * List By: Lily Thorns * * *
(based on real-life events as a mother of seven)

- when Mom is cleaning for company, uses honey to decorate herself, the dog, and the kitchen, and then sprinkle pretty sugar on top

-
picks gum off the underside of the church pew to eat it

-
paint lamp with nail polish

-
hide big sister's cell phone and blame it on the dog

-
rub magnets on the computer screen to watch all the pretty colors

-
torture the cat by locking it or zipping it inside any container that it fits in

-
spread 'armpit perfume' all over big brother's room

-
see how many different things will fit inside the VCR or DVD player, until it won't work any more

MEDICINE AND ANATOMY IN CLASSICAL MUSIC

- Haydn's "I'm Pregnant" Symphony

- Beethoven's psoriasis period

- clipped and cauterized wing scene from Wagner's "Flying Dutchmen"

- J.S. Bach's Leprosy Cantata

- Benjamin Britten's vaccinated song cycles

- Corelli's grand sonata in F-sharp Major for piano and colorectal coninuo

- Dmitri Infectionovich Shostakovich

- Rachmaninoff's Elegy for the Terminally Ill Piano

- "Triple Bypass Hamburger Waltz", by Schumann

- Antonio Stradavari, violin no. 145 - "The Brain"

- Dvořák's concerto for endoscopy

- piece for conceptual muscle fiber, by John Cage

- bowel movement from Tchaikovsky's sixth symphony

- Herbert von Cataracts and the Bifocal Philharmonic

- colonoscopy scene from "Tanhauser"

- Modest "The Membrane" Moussorgsky

- Mahler's "Kinderelbowleider"

- surgical spoon solo in Bartok's Concerto for Orchestra

- famous two-measure bassoon passage as leitmotif for herniated disc, in Wagner's Ring Cycle

- "Huntington's Syndrome Paesant Dances", by Janáček

- popular movement to re-introduce the ad lib cadenza in modern neurosurgery

THINGS HIPSTERS WILL SOON MAKE IRONIC, PART 2

- voice recognition software

- stalactites and stalagmites

- Japanese tour groups

- ordering a beer that is "extra-hoppy"

- the word 'pontiff'

- lute music of the late Italian Renaissance

- discovering (and naming) new planets

- purchasing URL's that contain the word 'bot' and is used as a double entendre

- products by Norelco

- Chubby Checkers

- RT in-state plane flights

- rain sticks

- volunteering at the zoo

- Norse mythology

June 21, 2007

THINGS TO PICKLE

- Grandpa's earlobes

- all six convenient locations

- the satisfaction of knowing you are the best pickler in the world

- ebony and ivory

- younger sister's really annoying friend

- shampoo

- cucumber you've been saving since the fourth grade

- design concepts

- set your mind to it and you can do (pickle) anything

- original documents

- fried green tomatoes and/or film of the same name

- curly fries

SIGNS THAT A CLOWN MEANS BUSINESS

* * * List By: SARA HUNEKE * * *

- red nose made of galvanized steel instead of rubber

- permanent face paint

- advanced degrees in astrophysics

- water-shooting flower attached to high pressure fire extinguisher tank

- adheres to strict diet high in fiber, low in sodium, with five daily servings of silly beans

- curly wig made of hair from extinct alpaca species

- trained his tear ducts to emit one single tear to slide slowly down his face

June 20, 2007

QUOTES FROM MOVIE REVIEWS THAT OPENED TO CRITICAL DISDAIN

- "Two hours of your life you'll never get back"

- "will make you want to set yourself on fire"

- "If given the option. . .I would have chosen life in prison"

- Genre-crossing movie. . .smearing the lines between Crap, Total Crap, and God-Awful Crap"

- "Inspired by a true story"

- "Undeniable"

- "Will make you want to buy [this movie]. . .just so you can throw it away"

- "one billion thumbs down"

- "Sewer stink on the screen? Yes."

- "The extinct pig of modern cinema"

- "Presidential veto"

- "Imagine the worst movie you've ever seen and then multiply it by 100. Then multiply that number by 15"

- "You'd have better luck cutting your lawn with a paper towel than enjoy this film"

QUOTES FROM MOVIE REVIEWS THAT OPENED TO CRITICAL ACCLAIM

- "If this film were to play 'rock, paper, scissors'. . .it'd be the diamond-tipped sabre"

- "I took out a life insurance policy in honor [of this film]"

- "A Zinger of a Fitzpatrick!"

- "Pretty. . .good"

- "Rivals first trip to the moon. . .in terms of human achievement"

- "on a scale of 1-10, this movie is awesome!"

- "el taco GRANDE!!!"

- ". . .was worth every penny. . .of my child's college fund"

- "The first 20-lane highway of the silver screen"

- "Yessssss. . .Wooooooo!"

- "An honor and a privilege"

- "It's as if 'Brilliance' became a proper noun, sprouted legs, and was ushered through the gates of heaven"

- "Definitive"

IDEAS FOR GOOGLE MAPS

* * * List By: RENOIR GAITHER * * *

- Green, eco-friendly burial sites

- UN-sponsored refugee camps

- Settings of Chuck Palahniuk novels

- Known North American honey bee hive extinctions

- Parisian hangouts that Arthur Rimbaud and Paul Verlaine frequented

- 19th-Century utopian communes

- Known commercial smoking ban violators

- T.V. sitcom cities, i.e. Cleveland for Drew Carey Show

- Sites where peace agreements were signed and conflict broke out
less than 5 years afterwards

- School districts that offer cash incentives for good grades

June 19, 2007

INSTITUTIONS OF LOWER-LEARNING

- witch school / Halloween school

- any school who's enrollment is open to reindeer

- Black Water Cooking Institute

- Unrehabilitated Academy

- acting school

- International Institute for the Advancement of the One-Legged Tripod

- The Academy (as opposed to THE Academy)

- finishing school for alligators

- prison education enrichment programs who's syllabus is determined by access to smuggled books

- Abacus Polytechnic

- I.C.D. (Institute for Cognitive Degeneration)

- College for the Uninspired and Uninspiring

- O.M.P.I. (Outdated Medical Procedure Institute)

- rehabilitation schools for the terminally ill

- Fast Rabbits Racing Academy

- Applebee's University

REACTIONS TO A FRIEND'S (REALLY) BAD HAIRCUT

- pretend like you don't know them

- help put things in perspective

- "Your hair looks like a brushfire, but in a good way."

- offer to slash tires of hair stylist responsible for this abomination

- set ground rules

- "dude, you gotta get some of that turban action goin' on"

- attempt to engage friend in conversation covering any subject but their haircut, and accidentally steer the conversation back to their haircut

- "I can tell you need some alone time", is always a good out

- donate a tuft of your dog's hair as a way to show you care

- say, "This is only a tiny part of the long journey that is life"

- offer to take your friend's picture as a future reminder of what NOT to do

- break your friend's arm as a way to distract from the searing pain of their haircut

June 18, 2007

BILLS PASSED INTO LAW BY VERY NARROW MARGIN

- effective the first of the year corporate restructuring will function on the honor system

- Prohibition. On everything and until further notice. Period.

- displaced peoples may now choose between resident alien status or lifetime of all-inclusive resort-stays broken up into three-week chunks

- women carrying in third trimester eligible for coupon redeemable for one free oil change

- No Child Left In Line: free meal plan for students who would otherwise be left in line

- No Child Left Online: community outreach program ensuring no child be left online

- No Child Cut In Line: children who cut in line will now be prosecuted to the full extent of the law

- FRR (Frame of Reference Referendum): everyone is now entitled to their own frame of reference

- trade unions may no longer discriminate or deny membership to any country whose main export is Crisco

- by 2015 publicly held companies must switch from unfair trade, to fair trade, to equal trade, to generous trade

- Shelly's Law: free health care to anyone suffering from Shelly

- raise voting age from 18 years of age to 18 years and two months, so as to comply with "new standards"

June 17, 2007

NEEDLESSLY COMPLICATED METHODS OF KEEPING TIME

- conquering/solving the space-time divide

- keep track of how many times old tire washes up on shore

- metronome

- by factors of any double-digit prime number

- (be mindful of your hopes and dreams and) count how long it takes until you find success

- cost of rising college tuition multiplied by annual percentage of inflation, divided by fixed interest monthly student loan payments

- you and friend take turns LOL'ing for 5 then 10, 15, 20. . . seconds

- potato clock

- lock onto a view of the atomic clock and never take your eyes off

- hold you breath and count to 20. repeat ad infinitum

- hourly readings on sundial made of shattered dreams

- time-elapsed photography

- count the number of times people compliment your shirt and multiply by three

June 15, 2007

KING ARTHUR AND HIS:

- team of cardiac surgeons

- collection of hamburger buns that have burn marks resembling the Virgin Mary

- feast of nations

- eye of newt

- coat of many colors

- stream of consciousness

- freedom of press

- department of baked goods

- battlefield of dreams

- troupe of interpretive dancers

- purveyors of petticoats

- army of calligraphers

- demographic of repeat visitors

- collection of spatulas

- sultans of saweeeeet!

HIGHER LEVELS OF SOPHISTICATION

- measurements that transcend numbers

- surrey with the fringe on top (of the world's tallest man-made structure)

- zero's and one's replaced by eh's and aye's

- ten thousand trilibyte graphing calculator

- that guy, Chucho, after he returned from astronaut camp

- data transfer!

- digitized acupuncture

- employers that assess applicants on who they do NOT know

- non-invasive psychic probing

- 0001100 1111010010011 100010100

- mirrors so powerful they open unknown portals into yet-to-be-discovered dimensions

- seeing past racial differences and instead focusing on racial similarities

- computer processors so small they don't even exist

- learning to cope with a full bladder under one billion pounds of pressure and several years of stress

- unsolved mysteries

- Zorgon

June 14, 2007

WAYS TO IMPROVE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

- mood music

- beer and sneaker sponsorships

- change name from 'State of the Union' to 'State of My Swollen Glands'

- F.A.Q. lightning round

- no-holds-barred bi-partisan ultimate fight in the aisles

- dark interior secretary of the underworld casts magic spell on congressional sub-committees

- use air quotes whenever saying the words, "counter-insurgency"

- dim lights for laser light show

- begin with evening wear round, followed by swimsuit round, and finish with impressive talent show

- Vice President gets tattoo of URL to post-coverage debate on forehead

- ad hoc vote on whether or not president should keep his job

- blue screen background to add scenery that is confusing and totally out of context

- encore performance

June 13, 2007

OUTDATED WAYS OF BEING REALLY ANNOYING

- shoveling pooridge into her bed

- pop rocks in the butter churn

- being ironic by pretending to be a petty criminal and throwing tomatoes at yourself during the Italian Renaissance

- when apprenticing as a candlestickmaker, make armpit noises

- noogies on your shoulder

INSPIRATIONAL STATEMENTS THAT DON'T ACTUALLY MEAN ANYTHING

- 'The horizons of your success exceed the horizons of your expectation'

- 'Become a better person. Live a better people.'

- 'Shining a light on your thinking illuminates your thoughts about yourself'

- 'Walk a mile in my shoes and you'll realize that we stand in the same place'

- 'A friend is a friend's best friend'

- 'You are the water under your own bridge'

FEELING ADVENTURESOME WHEN CHOOSING YOUR LAST MEAL

* * * list by KIRK BOYER: questions-all.blogspot.com * * *


- pick something from a menu printed in a foreign language you don't understand without pictures

- giant-sized fast food: eighty-ounce burger, tub of soda, thousands of fries

- normal dinner with your whole family

- cornmeal

- go skydiving with all red licorice parachute

- draw it out. have a gobstopper for dessert

- get a pizza with everything on it (be as literal of your interpretation of this as you can manage)

June 11, 2007

LIVING THE HIGH LIFE

- order hotel turn-down service for your kleenex

- art museum pieces on permanent loan at your own house

- real estate holdings on Neptune

- re-untrain your hamster to run on his wheel so you have the pleasure of training him one more time

- petition God to have rested on the 6th AND 7th day

- burn off that pesky planters wart

- CTRL + B; CTRL + I; CTRL + U; CTRL + ME

- copyright your child's first words, 'mooma' and 'dadoo'

- print full page Sunday newspaper ad. of to-do list that only .000001% of the population can relate to

- wax poetically with custom laser sculpted wax

- stop world hunger by UN-backed Atkins Diet initiative

- rewrite history

June 10, 2007

IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH OF SUMMITING MT. EVEREST

- empty nutrient-rich bladder

- change tunes on ipod for descent

- take a beauty rest

- exercise poor judgment by ripping off oxygen mask and downing liter of orange juice

- no one cares anymore

- order pizza for helicopter delivery

- finish reading Homer's Odyssey, which you've been saving as reward for climbing tallest peak in the world

- cartwheel into triple back flip with double rotation all the way down the mountain

- speak in language only you and your identical twin can understand

June 8, 2007

BOOKS THAT NEVER MADE IT TO PRESS

- At the Water Cooler: A Proactive Guide to Cooperative Teambuilding

- antonym sequel such as, Never Loud Off the Eastern Back


- What FDR Ate for Lunch, 1934-1937


- reference book referencing every reference book


- History of Silence


- Practical Application for Microfiche in the Year 2007


- Progressive Thoughts for the Sub-Intellectual Thinker


- I’m a Christian Hear Me Roar: The Life and Times of Jesus H. Christ


- minute-to-minute descriptive writing exercise on permafrost


- Oofta!


- You Promised to Do the Weatherproofing TODAY, and other unjust tales


- minutes from U-Haul Inc. board of directors meeting


- compilation of short stories from freshmen year creative writing course


- Diet Popcorn Recipes


- guide to “subwoofering” a cell phone

IF I KNEW YOU WERE COMING I'D HAVE:

- swept

- baked a cake

- staged an unimpressive but thoughtful reenactment of the Korean War

- tidied up the house

- slaughtered a goat

- written a piece of historical fiction based on your ancestry

- impressed you

- built you a harpsichord

- smiled

- taped a note to the front door

- moved the mountains and parted the sea

- worn appropriate clothing

- bent my knives into plows

- drank the rest of the top-shelf liquor so I didn't feel obligated to offer you any

- kicked Nancy Reagan

- jumped down from my high horse

- made a bird feeder out of an old milk carton

- done background research

- left an away message saying, "out doing laundry"

- called for hired help

MAGIC 8 BALL OFFERS ADVICE ON FIRST DATES

- ride around on a portable escalator

- "Burger King is Now Hiring" T-shitrs for his/hers

- don't even think about making a joke out of the 'big feet' comment

- place large stopwatch in middle of dinner table

- nephrology is NOT what you think it is

- you're a people person, remember?

- do not bring the metaphor loose cannon to life

- remember that dating is a challenge, but honoring your date's request to 'please pass the salt' is challenginglier

- expensive PH balance shampoo still makes you look like you live in a wind tunnel

- tell her that your vulnerability can be a good thing

- do not answer all of his questions with Osama bin Laden quotes

- her dad IS actually Jimmy Hoffa, so don't make light of the importance of truckers' unions

- undershirts are meant to be worn under your shirt NOT over it

- don't speak in Klingon unless she pulls up to your house in Starship Enterprise

- look at your date being in a coma as a 'challenge'

- dinner + movie = old school; dinner + hide and seek in a suitcase = new school

- give the gift of redemption, and accept the gift of salvation

- whispering to waiter that you have a loaded gun is not a funny practical joke

- paying for meal in magical tokens may prove that you are actually of authentic pirate blood

- walk on ceiling with sticky shoes

- demonstrate that sheet rock is NOT actually rock by putting your head through it

- tell her you can overhear her thoughts, and completely agree that koala bear stuffed animals are sooo cute!

- running commentary on prominent birthmark may make date feel uncomfortable

- say her your new funny laugh joke

June 7, 2007

WAYS IN WHICH DINNER GUESTS CAN EXPRESS GRATITUDE TO THEIR HOSTS

- run laps around dinner table

- best impersonation of all-night senate filibuster

- convince host to assist you in holding a séance in their garage

- saying, "that dinner was so good, I'll just sit here until you cook me another"

- alcohol poisoning

- release the penguins

- offering condolences regarding spouse's infidelity in front of children who are just old enough to understand the implications

- saying, "mmm, that was delicious, can I have the recipe?" 1,000 times in a row

- demonstrate to hosts how to use yardsticks as chopsticks at Chinese-themed meal

- allow hosts to sit back and take it eaay while you do enough dancing for the both of you

- open door to dog kennel after you were expressly told to "let the dog be", because it just had surgery and would re-injure its leg if given the opportunity to escape from the kennel

June 6, 2007

UNREASONABLE DEMANDS

- take the garbage out 24/7

- a second opinion is not enough. you need at least 75 opinions

- get to Zelda's last cave level without dying

- Yanni as soundtrack to your life

- build scale model of Taj Mahal using four toothpicks and a three-ring binder

- perform an autopsy on yourself

- convince international Olympic committee to choose your backyard for upcoming summer games

- fake your own death while giving speech at televised award ceremony

- convince your friends that Stephen King is your best friend and then pay Stephen King to hang out with you for an afternoon

- count to infinity

- visit grandparents at their assisted living home more than once every three months

- will yourself to get out of bed before 1pm on the weekends

- take the Snickers challenge with hands tied behind back

- swallow your own cough

- instead of a friendship bracelet, get a friendship tattoo with someone who used to be friend with, but had a bad falling out with several years ago

June 5, 2007

MOST COMMON REASONS FOR VISITING FOREIGN CONSULATE

- to introduce a new species of butterfly

- free Dasani water bottles

- you didn't know that being left-handed was a serious criminal offense

- triage

- because you are really bored

- in order to let your new native friend see the wide variety of faces and personalities representative of your home country's impressive diversity

- Kao Bung Wook is no longer a satisfactory substitute to Bruce Springsteen

- you need to borrow a phone because you dropped yours in the toilet hole

- to find out once and for all what P.O.W. M.I.A. stands for

- because you made a REALLY BIG MISTAKE

- this is your first time out of the country and can no longer function without Tivo

- turned away at airport because tape worms cannot be domesticated

- you got a glass sliver and have to chill out for a while before re-joining the tour group

- because you got a call from your folks wondering if you received the package, since they didn't hear back from you

- deluxe explorer compass has accidentally changed country's borders, increasing the chances of being caught in the middle of warring factions

June 1, 2007

THINGS 14 YEAR-OLD GIRLS DON'T WANT THEIR DAD TO BRING ON A FAMILY VACATION TO THE CARIBBEAN

- Juicy Couture shirt that spells JUICY across the front in Swarovski crystals

- company golf team

- 14 year-old boys. Yuck!

- the bible

- pictures taken in the bathtub during toddler years

- chamber pot full of margarita mix

- laptop with flight simulator

- complete embarrassment

- total embarrassment

- constant embarrassment

- debilitating embarrassment

- air quotes

- toothpicks to chew on

- alcoholism

- Leave it to Beaver DVD anthology

- loud-speaker announcement, "Ashley, you forgot your training bra"

- results of popularity contest

- entire line of Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirts with hibiscus floral design

- acne

- collection of WWII British canons

- impersonation of Justin Timberlake

- line item veto privileges

- conference call with teachers past and present

- silly voices

- Darth Vader theme music on repeat

- Dairy Queen job application

THINGS HIPSTERS WILL SOON MAKE IRONIC

- comb-over

- Beanie Babies

- permanent markers

- the year 1999

- men wearing large hoop earings

- career as dental hygienist

- the word "live"

- bunions

- reverse psychology

- mowing the lawn

- prime numbers

- birthday celebrations at Applebee's

- elastic waistbands

- caligraphy

- walking backwards