EXAMPLES OF SELF-PUNISHMENT INVOLVING BBQ RIBS

- rub two cleaned and bleached ribs together so fast that they generate enough heat to burn your hands

- in an effort to prove your rib-eating acumen in a competition setting, you announce that corn on the cob, beans and gravy, cornbread, baked potato, and a 2ltr. bottle of diet coke are compulsory in your self-prescribed competition platform

- eat bowl of rib fingerlings, ex. mud skipper, baby colobus monkey, vole

- create BBQ rib equivalent of the burning coal walk, using ribs cooked at extremely hot temperatures and slathered with super-spicy sauce

THE MOST GULLIBLE PERSON IN THE WORLD

- does not have a keen intuition

- believes the moon is made of cheese

- is probably nice, but a flaming idiot

- gave himself the nickname 'Captain Gullible'

- rivals a goat in terms of logical reasoning and intellect

- has been living under the assumption that ice is made of 'frozen'

- exemplifies every single stereotype

- has stared at the ceiling for the past two weeks

- lists 'gullibility' under strengths/weaknesses (both) on job applications

- Skippy

- enjoys the phrase, 'there is no 'I' in Team'

ONLINE DATING SITE FEATURES THAT NEVER CAME TO FRUITION

* * * * * List By: Beppie Q. Huidekoper * * * * *

- web-cam activated sensor device that tracks the number of times you pick your nose per hour and displays this figure on your profile in picks per hour (pph)

- 'your friend got laid' notifier that sends you a message with the lucky friend's name and any pertinent details, while you shift back and forth between your profile page to a number of erotic websites

- feature that searches a database for lewd words or phrases that rhyme with your first or last name--for example, words that rhyme with Jerry Genus or Judith Bartz

- automatic music stream that plays randomized excerpts exclusively from 'Romantic Moments: Classical Music for Lovers' and 'The Nutcracker Suite (trombone, pennywhistle and synthesizer version)'

- 'my-flower' video feed that links the top 5 youtube live flower coverage videos posted that day to your profile

- 'rate-my-toes' survey that asks your friends to rate a close-up photo of your toes from 1-10, 1 being the ugliest and 10 being the prettiest, and displays your average on your profile next to your birthplace

- aptitude test and figure displayed in profile, after which you may only request friendship from others at or below your 'intelligence range'

- feature that displays a new Yiddish word and definition every time you log in, along with the leading culinary sites' top-ranking recipes for noodle kugel, latkes, or gefilte fish

METHODS OF CULINARY RELAXATION

- invite General Tsao to repeat soothing mantras while you cook his famous aromatic chicken dish

- click carrots together and repeat, "there's no place like home, there's no place like home"

- make double batch (!) of meat popsicles

- soothe the mind and numb the senses by freebasing a Vidalia onion

- while preparing dinner play audio tape of the book, "The Tranquil Baster: A Collection of Short Memoirs"

- boost morale by wearing red sequined evening gown as an apron

- convert rice cooker into foot bath by filling basin with warm water and lavender-scented sea salt

- pretend kitchen faucet is a waterfall and frolic about in its cool mist

- during the Christmas season, replace the sand in your rock garden with confectioners sugar, and rocks with gingerbread cookie chunks

CONSOLATION PRIZES AWARDED AT 1895 WORLD'S FAIR

- wooden nickel

- early model Samsung VHS player

- firm handshake and hefty pat on the back from Nashville's Mayor Kirby

- coupon redeemable for a cowboys and Indians-themed family Christmas card, using an 'image capturing module'

- comforter made by the newest and most desired fabric in the world - polyester

- all-inclusive vacation package for two to the 'New World' - Eerie, PA

- jar of molasses

- a trigon (three-wheeled wagon)

- gun powder horn filled with sweet strawberries and melon hard candies

- one gallon of Hagen Das frozen yolk cream and animal fat swirl

- your unincorporated township will become incorporated and named after your forward-thinking but untimely pharmacological invention - Ambien

DIORAMAS KEPT IN STORAGE AT THE AMERICAN MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY

- scene representing the urgency following a transgression

- 'Hall of Mirrors' diorama

- a concept diorama displaying the actual tools used to make

- 'That There Good Ol', Down Home, Darn Tootin Diorama' removed because it started to become ironic

- scene representing an amalgam of every wool blanket scene from every cholera movie

- 'The Tie Dye Experiment' put in storage until a new plexiglas case replaces the old one, which had too many burns from joints and cigarettes

- the 'Loose Underwear' diorama, depicting man looking in a mirror while pulling elastic waistband away from his body

- contents from the old 'Larry and Edna Great Hall', because there grandchildren want nothing to do with inheriting a collection of dioramas depicting Mickey and Minnie mouse in various romantic settings

- the so-called, 'Scratch 'n Sniff' diorama, showing a giant nose with a finger inside of it up to its second knuckle

- ward number six from Chekhov's "Ward Number Six"

- Larry the Nighttime Janitor's favorite diorama that had to be removed because it was distracting him from his job

- Santa and Mrs. Claus's little toy factory removed because it includes a fleet of elf workers with prominent dwarf features, which is no considered politically incorrect

- American dust bowl scene that uses glitter as dust

- THE 'Matrushka Diorama' - a diorama inside a diorama, inside a diorama, inside a diorama, inside a diorama, given to the museum as a gift by the Russian Federation