WAYS TO INTELLECTUALIZE WHY YOU LOOK FAT IN THE MIRROR

- you're big, fat and ugly

- the pearls of wisdom are coming out of the giant Japanese oyster and messing with your self-image

- you're aging wider

- mirror's feng not in line with your shui

- retribution for ordering Chinese 50 days in a row

- perspective

- razor burn so bad it makes you look like you're wearing a suit made of jello

- transcendental reflections

- it's actually the mirror behind the mirror that makes you look fat

- you're profile appears a mosaic of chum buckets

SIGNS A THIRD-GRADER IS DEVELOPMENTALLY DISABLED

- calls Rubik's cube 'boobix coob'

- answers every question, 'I know you are, but what am I?'

- was independently diagnosed by three leading child neuropsychologists as developmentally disabled to the extreme

- crashes legs into wall when things just aren't making sense

- when your child says to you, 'Dad, I need to talk and I need for you to listen. Now, I know my grades aren't the best and that you and Mom aren't exactly pleased when I throw my shoes at you when it's time for me to eat dinner. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my seemingly hostile behavior and frustratingly stunted verbal and communication skills might be explained by a syndrome or disease even,. I also want you to know that I am sympathetic to the marital strains you and Mom have because of me, and believe me when I say to you right here and now that from here on out I will make a valiant attempt not to hide your briefcase in the septic tank.'

- you start shopping at the Sharper Image in order to distract yourself

- he enjoys himself and/or doesn't care