December 24, 2007

MOST COMMON PHRASES SAID BY THE MODERN URBAN BEE KEEPER

- "well, if you consider getting stung more than 14,000 times, than yes, I suppose I am a living legend"

- "I am the glue that holds the mortar that binds the house that shelters the animals who enjoy the shelter and tend to the honeycomb that bees built"

- "vote 'yes' on Proposition 49, requiring all modes of public transportation run on honey by the year 2015"

- "hey wasps! stop gentrifying my comb, yo"

- "outcast is a relative term no matter how pertinent it is regarding my place in society"

- "I have to go out this afternoon, first to Old Navy and then make a quick stop at the drug store"

November 28, 2007

BEVERAGES THAT LEAVE UNPLEASANT AFTERTASTE WHEN CONSUMED IMMEDIATELY AFTER BRUSHING TEETH

- orange juice

- gasoline

- bile

- poultry frappe

- sloose

- crushed lipid juice

- underachievement

- pink'ish greasy fluid

- generous serving of cholesterol

- hamster juice

- essence of Helen

November 26, 2007

RESULTS OF DEFORESTATION

- motorcycles will no longer be built out of wood

- toucans will be forced to find shelter in old newspapers

- the word 'sapling' will be erased from dictionaries and collective consciousness

- decline in property value, rise in dirt and chicken wire fencing

- the disappearance of forests will encourage using non-wood material in manufacturing, such as recycled cell phones and Dijon mustard

- tree huggers will adopt frowning campaign

- thicket becomes the new forest

- log cabins will be stripped of aesthetic

- rise in demand for wooden clogs will see violins turn into shoes

- denial

- 'earth therapy' will establish itself as a legitimate service covered by most insurance plans

- bread will no longer be made using wood pulp

- there will be a consensus among most reasonable people that human beings have an impact on the natural world

- Hannukah will be shortened to seven days

- entire line of 1958 1/2" Norwegian multi-board laminate condensers will become obsolete

November 13, 2007

A JACKET IS NOT JUST A JACKET IF

- able to order an enchilada all by itself

- recently underwent cartilage and ligament surgery

- close personal friends with Tom Brokaw

- utilizes moisture-repellent technology

- has an endoskeleton

- shields you not only from the elements but from passive aggressive comments

- co-authored book, "My Friend Cardigan"

- comes with a Saddle

- comes with a full battery of condiments

- knows you well enough to sense that you're tense and then whisper in your ear, "loosen up those shoulder muscles and just relax"

LIFE, LIBERTY AND THE PURSUIT OF ___________

- unconventional wisdom

- hollandaise sauce

- a means to an end

- secrets

- solution to the sub-prime mortgage lending fall-out

- jurisprudence

- the Afikomen

- intelligent re-design

- one's superego

- Beethoven's wooden flute

- Flonaise

October 8, 2007

SITUATIONS WHERE IT IS POPULAR TO COMPROMISE YOUR OWN SAFETY

- when egged-on by your classmates at a third grade field trip to the zoo, you impersonate a muskrat in its natural habitat, underwater for ten minutes

- at annual Feast of Nations celebration, hold a demonstration called, Famine of Nations, which you dedicate to sub-Saharan Africa

- on an Irish fraternity trip to the Motherland, attempt to steal the Blarney Stone for use in initiating practices

- when competing in a Scrabble tournament held in front of an audience that hates the game, and against a very dangerous opponent, rearrange the letters so that they line the perimeter of the board so that they don't spell real words

- freshmen year of college: alcohol poisoning

- you are the chair and founding member of the 'Free and/or Highly Subsidized Plastic Surgery Club', and need to demonstrate various methods of achieving your club goal. throw yourself in front of a speeding train so that the nose job you've always wanted costs $500, your insurance plan's deductible for facial reconstructive surgery.

NYC DEPARTMENT OF TOURISM CAMPAIGNS AND SLOGANS AT LOCAL POPULATION'S EXPENSE

- racial stereotypes promoted to bolster tourism spending in 'ethnic' neighborhoods

- public awareness billboard saying, 'Hold a hand. Hold a homeless person.'

- all New Yorker's required to wear T-shirts that say 'I Heart Boston'

- NYC people, AKA sewer people.

- all museum tours now include dinner with your guide's family

- pamphlets distributed to tourists notifying them that Chinatown is not actually China, deterring millions of dollars in potential business

- native population forced to take humiliating classes on proper hygeine

- dine free of charge at any NYC restaurant fri/sat night only

- city assumes defecit in public opinion by running campaign with the slogan, 'New Yorker's Are People Too'

September 10, 2007

EXAMPLES OF SELF-PUNISHMENT INVOLVING BBQ RIBS

- rub two cleaned and bleached ribs together so fast that they generate enough heat to burn your hands

- in an effort to prove your rib-eating acumen in a competition setting, you announce that corn on the cob, beans and gravy, cornbread, baked potato, and a 2ltr. bottle of diet coke are compulsory in your self-prescribed competition platform

- eat bowl of rib fingerlings, ex. mud skipper, baby colobus monkey, vole

- create BBQ rib equivalent of the burning coal walk, using ribs cooked at extremely hot temperatures and slathered with super-spicy sauce

September 5, 2007

THE MOST GULLIBLE PERSON IN THE WORLD

- does not have a keen intuition

- believes the moon is made of cheese

- is probably nice, but a flaming idiot

- gave himself the nickname 'Captain Gullible'

- rivals a goat in terms of logical reasoning and intellect

- has been living under the assumption that ice is made of 'frozen'

- exemplifies every single stereotype

- has stared at the ceiling for the past two weeks

- lists 'gullibility' under strengths/weaknesses (both) on job applications

- Skippy

- enjoys the phrase, 'there is no 'I' in Team'

August 30, 2007

ONLINE DATING SITE FEATURES THAT NEVER CAME TO FRUITION

* * * * * List By: Beppie Q. Huidekoper * * * * *

- web-cam activated sensor device that tracks the number of times you pick your nose per hour and displays this figure on your profile in picks per hour (pph)

- 'your friend got laid' notifier that sends you a message with the lucky friend's name and any pertinent details, while you shift back and forth between your profile page to a number of erotic websites

- feature that searches a database for lewd words or phrases that rhyme with your first or last name--for example, words that rhyme with Jerry Genus or Judith Bartz

- automatic music stream that plays randomized excerpts exclusively from 'Romantic Moments: Classical Music for Lovers' and 'The Nutcracker Suite (trombone, pennywhistle and synthesizer version)'

- 'my-flower' video feed that links the top 5 youtube live flower coverage videos posted that day to your profile

- 'rate-my-toes' survey that asks your friends to rate a close-up photo of your toes from 1-10, 1 being the ugliest and 10 being the prettiest, and displays your average on your profile next to your birthplace

- aptitude test and figure displayed in profile, after which you may only request friendship from others at or below your 'intelligence range'

- feature that displays a new Yiddish word and definition every time you log in, along with the leading culinary sites' top-ranking recipes for noodle kugel, latkes, or gefilte fish

August 27, 2007

METHODS OF CULINARY RELAXATION

- invite General Tsao to repeat soothing mantras while you cook his famous aromatic chicken dish

- click carrots together and repeat, "there's no place like home, there's no place like home"

- make double batch (!) of meat popsicles

- soothe the mind and numb the senses by freebasing a Vidalia onion

- while preparing dinner play audio tape of the book, "The Tranquil Baster: A Collection of Short Memoirs"

- boost morale by wearing red sequined evening gown as an apron

- convert rice cooker into foot bath by filling basin with warm water and lavender-scented sea salt

- pretend kitchen faucet is a waterfall and frolic about in its cool mist

- during the Christmas season, replace the sand in your rock garden with confectioners sugar, and rocks with gingerbread cookie chunks

August 21, 2007

CONSOLATION PRIZES AWARDED AT 1895 WORLD'S FAIR

- wooden nickel

- early model Samsung VHS player

- firm handshake and hefty pat on the back from Nashville's Mayor Kirby

- coupon redeemable for a cowboys and Indians-themed family Christmas card, using an 'image capturing module'

- comforter made by the newest and most desired fabric in the world - polyester

- all-inclusive vacation package for two to the 'New World' - Eerie, PA

- jar of molasses

- a trigon (three-wheeled wagon)

- gun powder horn filled with sweet strawberries and melon hard candies

- one gallon of Hagen Das frozen yolk cream and animal fat swirl

- your unincorporated township will become incorporated and named after your forward-thinking but untimely pharmacological invention - Ambien

August 14, 2007

DIORAMAS KEPT IN STORAGE AT THE AMERICAN MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY

- scene representing the urgency following a transgression

- 'Hall of Mirrors' diorama

- a concept diorama displaying the actual tools used to make

- 'That There Good Ol', Down Home, Darn Tootin Diorama' removed because it started to become ironic

- scene representing an amalgam of every wool blanket scene from every cholera movie

- 'The Tie Dye Experiment' put in storage until a new plexiglas case replaces the old one, which had too many burns from joints and cigarettes

- the 'Loose Underwear' diorama, depicting man looking in a mirror while pulling elastic waistband away from his body

- contents from the old 'Larry and Edna Great Hall', because there grandchildren want nothing to do with inheriting a collection of dioramas depicting Mickey and Minnie mouse in various romantic settings

- the so-called, 'Scratch 'n Sniff' diorama, showing a giant nose with a finger inside of it up to its second knuckle

- ward number six from Chekhov's "Ward Number Six"

- Larry the Nighttime Janitor's favorite diorama that had to be removed because it was distracting him from his job

- Santa and Mrs. Claus's little toy factory removed because it includes a fleet of elf workers with prominent dwarf features, which is no considered politically incorrect

- American dust bowl scene that uses glitter as dust

- THE 'Matrushka Diorama' - a diorama inside a diorama, inside a diorama, inside a diorama, inside a diorama, given to the museum as a gift by the Russian Federation

August 12, 2007

SCIENCE SELF-HELP BOOKS WRITTEN IN THE FIRST PERSON

- "Living in Outer Orbit - My Life as a Valence Electron"

- "My Amps Have Cramps"

- "How I Learned to Cope and Compensate for My Underdeveloped Seismometer"

- "When I Need a Force Field, and Other Self-Recognition Methods of Deflecting Negatively-Charged Feedback"

- "This Nebulous World - Boating for Answers in a River of Psychic Destruction and Dark Matter"

- "Take a Chance on Chance"

- "Me and My Robot - A Marriage Counseling Odyssey"

August 8, 2007

VICTORIAN EROTIC CINEMA CLASSICS

- The Corset Massage Parlor

- Sequins of Passion

- Lord Josiah Carberry's Enchanted Nipples

- Shirtless in the Stables

- On the Curves of Desire

- Sir Arthur Petticoat and His Manor Maids

- The Muff-less Winter

- Eugenia's Surprise

August 7, 2007

WAYS TO IMPRESS A GIRL ON THE HIGH SCHOOL DANCE FLOOR THAT HAVE A 0% SUCCESS-RATE

- spend the entire evening creating a dungeons and dragons profile inspired by her greasy hair

- do the 'swim dance' in inflatable pool of high-fructose corn syrup

- the one-up flower presentation method (step-by-step description):

1.) start by pinning a corsage to girl's dress
2.) walk off the dance floor and return with a long-stemmed rose
3.) put hands behind back and arrange for friend to to hand you a
bouquet that you then present to girl
4.) walk to the outer edge of the parquet floor to pick-up potted plant for girl
5.) present girl with bonzi tree that you grab from the DJ's table
6.) lastly, walk out of the ballroom and into the hotel lobby.
return to ballroom with a large potted tree to place at her feet

- ask if she wants to dance with your love handles

- sit atop a table and remind her over and over again that you are having a terrible time

- fall on your face, both figuratively and literally

- show her your introspective and quiet side

August 5, 2007

WHEN B.Y.O.______'ING IS UNNECESSARY OR INAPPROPRIATE

- humility house - B.Y.O.I(nflated ego)

- homeless shelter - B.Y.O.A(ffluent living)

- airport - B.Y.O.S(tringent security rules and regulations)

- laundromat - B.Y.O.B(bucket of lint)

- vegan restaurant - B.Y.O.B(eef)

- door - B.Y.O.E(ntrance/exit)

- church - B.Y.O.H(ome-made holy water)

- grocery store - B.Y.O.D(iscounting cashier)

- outdoor concert - B.Y.O.A(mpitheater)

- blood-letting - B.Y.O.L(aceration)

- Chinese restaurant - B.Y.O.C(hinese food)

- bar - B.Y.O.B.

August 1, 2007

MTV'S "MY SUPER SWEET SIXTEEN" SPIN-OFF, "MY SUPER SWEET BAR MITZVAH"

- chair-raising dance done to P. Diddy song

- all guests given an 'oy bag' instead of a party bag

- parents live out their dreams of one-upping their friends by throwing the biggest most ostentatious party ever

- hotel's closed-circuit television broadcasts "funny sermon" written and performed by bar mitzvah boy

- boy steps out of limousine and makes grand entrance wearing a blue velvet jump suit with Star of David embroidered in shiny silver thread on the back

- "Dad, you're so stupid! I told you I did NOT want you and Mom to rent a Hannukah Harry impersonator!"

- party-themed centerpieces made from recycled yarmulkes

- party is Joseph and the Amazing Technicolored Dreamcoat-themed, not because of its biblical theme, but because bar mitzvah boy is going through a Broadway musical phase

- parents try to be really cool by saying (and repeating) 'kosher shmosher'

- T-shirt screen printer left out two words - 'bar' and 'mitzvah' - when making shirts, so they read, 'JEREMY'S BIG'

July 30, 2007

DISAPPOINTING COUPONS

- one complimentary apple after you move the old refrigerator out to the curb for garbage pick-up

- free estimate on how long it will take for your receding hairline to degenerate into full-blown baldness

- free admission to Solitaire World Series

- buy one get one free of substantially lower cost and quality

- removes rust and lime scale when rubbed vigorously against the shower stall

- appeared to be the most generous discount ever offered until you see 'j/k' at the bottom

- expired ten minutes ago

- good for ten years of your son peeing all over the toilet seat

July 29, 2007

UNCONVENTIONAL WAYS OF RESPONDING TO A COMPLIMENT

- "thank you from the pit of my stomach"

- "you are welcome?"

- respond in the royal we - "we thank you very much"

- ask for a piece of paper and write out an algebraic equation that uses T-H-A-N-K-Y-O-U as variables

- consider buying the complimenter a complimentary votive candle

- "you don't have to say it, I already know"

- run and hide

- say, "well, that figure reflects more of a combined income than my actual salary"

July 26, 2007

THINGS YOU WERE NEVER TAUGHT WHEN TRAINING TO BE A WAITER / WAITRESS

- automatically assume that any person aged 4-19 will order pizza or chicken fingers

- customers are unable to tell the difference between regular and decaf, as well as Mountain Dew and popcorn

- you are: the low man on the totem pole, the bane of your co-workers' existence, the bottom of the barrel, and the laughing stock of the restaurant, that is until the next new hire comes along

- there is no such thing as a health code violation so long as the customer doesn't see you

- training will include several one-on-one lessons with a vocal coach to perfect the three-part harmonies in your restaurant's special version of the Happy Birthday Song

- the feud between the kitchen staff and front of the house has been going on long before you started, so don't get involved

- calling the busser your lackey is disrespectful

- "would you like to hear our specials?" is not only improper grammar, it is an imperative, not a question

July 24, 2007

AMENITIES FOUND AT WORLD'S ONLY TEN-STAR HOTEL

- beef brisket on demand

- complimentary dry cleaning that exclusively services glass slippers

- presidential suite decorated with dead presidents stuffed and mounted on mahogany base

- each copy of bedside bible written from the actual pen of God

- world's only 700 carat tic-tac-toe board in lobby

- room service goes good on its name by bringing you an actual room

- press red button to be slapped and given a verbal reminder that you make way too much money

- toilets filled not with water, but Chanel No. 5

- doorman pulls you up by the bootstraps so you don't have to take the initiative

- world's only ten-star baked potato

- hotel commissions fairy tales to be written about its awe-inspiring past

- poolside bar serves drink called Classic Establishment

July 23, 2007

RECENTLY DISCOVERED CONSTELLATIONS OF STARTLING ACCURACY

- intersection of 7th St./2nd Ave., New York, NY, with traffic flowing Northbound

- punk rock drummer headbanging at rate of 240 bangs/second, and a Vic Firth cedar drumstick in hand

- screen shot from season three, episode 14 of The Office (American)

- 30-second clip from the first Steamboat Willy cartoon

- panoramic view of the 1987 Minnesota Twins World Series victory

- a glimpse into your future as a spokesperson for the AARP

- posthumously completed version of Mahler's Tenth Symphony

6'4" man (to-scale in light years)

MINING NATURAL RESOURCES IN THE YEAR 2050

- sulfur reserves will have been depleted more than 20 years ago requiring matches to be made with a different, yet equally acrid, smell in order to mask really stinky bathrooms

- reserves of linoleum floor tile will be discovered and used as fuel

- salt mines will work in harmony with yeast and baking soda mines

- the Bic Pen Company will begin drilling for solid ink deposits

- large earth-piercing drills will be replaced by solar-powered battle axes

- natural resources will be obsolete after being replaced by China

- fools gold reserves are on the brink of extinction, and demand will push prices past that of real gold

- abandoned mine shafts have converted into 'fun elevators'

- while building massive underground networks of cathedrals, doomsdayer's will stumble upon several trillitons of pirate booty

- Adidas Shoes pays top dollar to brand newly-discovered natural resource named Power Jump Technology

- Mother Earth will be torn between finding mankind destructive and enterprising

July 21, 2007

SUBJECTS OF LAST WEEK'S NEIGHBORHOOD GROUP MEETING

- "so to recap: Stan made a motion to equip all child care centers with fire extinguishers; Amy wants to create a community garden; and Tom wants a pony"

- "no offense, but the chocolate chip cookies that Sue baked had way too much salt"

- opposition party to really short skirts voiced their concerns just before the break

- "I'm sure you all remember when Sabrina said, 'I'd like to make a motion, that this neighborhood group take a chill pill and stop taking itself so seriously"

- whatever happens in this elementary school cafeteria stays in this elementary school cafeteia

- "As was discussed, dating is not allowed between member of our neighborhood and our competing neighborhoods"

- decision to hold applause until the end of the meeting was made after said motion

July 20, 2007

THINGS THAT MIGHT NOT BE SUPERSTITIOUS BUT SHOULD BE

- being told you will have 50 unwanted pregnancies

- the heebie jeebies

- the number 13 is trumped in years bad luck by the square-root of zero

- building a diarama recreating the Salem witch trials will make a real live witch spontaneously combust

- Transylvania is not bad luck, it's just scary

- step on a crack and break your mother's back, step on a line and you'll break your brother's spine

- watching someone fall down the stairs is automatic bad luck

- never breathe on a spoon and let it dangle from your nose, because it is seven years in the slammer

- eating turkey sandwiches (under any circumstance) is 10 years back breaking manual labor

- falling out of a rollercoaster and living to tell about it won't result in such fortunate circumstances next time

July 18, 2007

THIS IS THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT

- one of two man-made creations visible from outer space, the other being the Great Wall of China (and even that's a misnomer)

- is always warm with love, and smelling of mulled apple cider

- Jack only built a small part of his house. the majority was built by volunteers working for former president Jimmy Carter's brainchild, HUD

- has one guest room for Little Miss Muffet, one for Peter Piper, and another for Simple Simon

- pantry closet doubles as Harry Potter's vacation home

- houses the world's largest collection of graduated cylinders

- around the corner from Little Jack Horner

- welcome mat reads, "ME SO HUNGRY"

METHODS OF DATA TRANSFER

- your favorite clock

- "Hey Dad, I'm up here!"

- a paper shredder takes a (potentially) coherent hard copy of data and shreds it into many pieces of data

- throwing things

- trust falls

- the language of love is not a reliable method of data transfer

- the language of love is not necessarily a method of data transfer

- it's thought that chimpanzees have their own method of data transfer called, 'talking in their own language'

- photos of people holding signs

- smoke signals are a complicated example because conditions are not always permitting

- reconnaissance

- putting letters, signs or numbers on your stomach while in the tanning booth

July 17, 2007

DON'T WORRY, BE:

- the pillar of your community

- A Matador. Picadors are for quitters.

- a hard-working employee when leading up to your job's performance review, knowing that you'll be able to slack-off once you receive positive feedback

- synonymous with the words 'super cute'

- sage-like

- the middle child

- an advocate for an organization that draws awareness to fetal alcohol poisoning

- lips

- Careful.
Love,
Mom

- buttons on a hand-me-down coat

- stoic

July 16, 2007

EXAGGERATIONS BASED ON, "YOU'RE MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL"

- you're making a singer out of a songwriter

- you're making a hammock out of a hangnail

- you're making a backpack out of a brazier

- you're making a tea tree out of a bottle of tea tree oil

- you're making a Fitzgibbon out of a Fitzpatrick

- you're making a bagel out of a biali

- you're making a breast out of a bump

- you're making a sweeping generalization out of a isolated incident

MADKAST LISTOFF


MADKAST is a company that is introducing a new way to distribute and share blogs. LISTOFF was one of a handful of blogs selected to participate in the product launch. Click the green share icon to text or email a particular list. It's very easy.

July 15, 2007

EMERGENCY SITUATIONS THAT REQUIRE A PASSWORD

- when your co-pilot is making a practical joke out of withholding the password needed to contact mission control

- fiance needs it for when they cash in on the prenuptial agreement

- password protected cigarettes are a great way to quit smoking, however it does not guarantee that you wouldn't cave in if given the opportunity

- Chernobyl

- when young child needs to be picked up from school in order to make his surgery that was scheduled nine months in advance

- you are pushing the five-thousand mark on number of attempts to access your email inbox

- two words: avert catastrophe

- your technologically advanced running shoes will not unclamp from the floor ten minutes before the marathon starts (but it is partially your fault for being late since you didn't allow enough time)

- the ticket-seller forgot to give you the password required to activate the headphones with English translation of a traditional Chinese puppet opera, which is just about to start

"FOR DUMMIES" BOOK TITLES

* * * * * List By: Renoir Gaither * * * * *

- Snake Sacking for Dummies

- Cloud Spotting for Dummies

-
Nostalgia for Dummies


- Banality for Dummies

- John/Jane Doe Signing for Dummies

- Zyxt, Zyxst, Zyzzyva (or the Last Words in the Dictionary) For Dummies

- Curmudgeonry for Dummies

-
Myxophobia for Dummies

July 14, 2007

GENERIC AND DESCRIPTIVE NICKNAMES

- Shorty - someone who is short

- Big T. - (a) Big Thomas

- You're a Very Bad Girl - girl who is on time-out; emasculating nickname for a boy who is on time-out

- G. - geezer/elderly person

- Tiff - Tiffany; Stace - Stacy; Feeb - Phoebe; Trot - Leonid Trotsky

- Rad-Rab - rabbi

- S'loon - Stella Luna

- Mister Man - precocious boy

- Abe Lincoln - Abraham Lincoln

- Curly Mo - person with curly hair (extra-generic if person's name is Mo)

- Author - someone who writes

LIFE IS FULL OF WHIMSICAL LITTLE NUANCES


* * * * * List by: Joshua L. Weinstein * * * * *


- hey, you're under arrest just 'cause

- yes, you're right, it was Kierkegaard who said that, but it was used on "Mama's Family" first

- we're gonna have to fire you; you're old!

- Foo foo? What is this - dogs don't go "foo foo"!

- I really can't relate to your way of life so I'll throw rocks at you

- when I get back to earth I'm gonna buy some Mylanta

- protest all you want, but we will not change the name of Thursday to "George"

- hey mister, there's three dollars for you if you step on my head

UNCOMFORTABLE VISUALS INVOLVING YOUR 90 YEAR-OLD GRANDMA


* * * * * List by: Bea N. Random * * * * *

* randomstuffaboutrandomstuff.blogspot.com *


- artificially inseminating a bull

- singing a sweaty duet, cheek-to-cheek with Courtney Love

- beer-bonging (CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!)

- mechanical bull riding

- tongue-kissing your boy/girlfriend

- becoming Emo

- pole dancing

- sensual massage

- nude tennis

- break-dancing, doing The Robot or The Running Man

- assless chaps

July 13, 2007

WAYS TO PREPARE FOR A NATURAL DISASTER

- stop, drop and roll

- eat a lot so that you'll grow fat deposits to feed off, allowing you to survive during a formidable storm

- make a time capsule so that you'll remember the good ol' days

- tattoo social security number on your forehead so that once you are found you'll be easily identifiable

- make a charitable donation to increase your karmic vibes

- form alliance with Zeus so that you can fight lightning bolt with lightning bolt once the storm comes a knockin'

- shave head to reduce the risk of being snagged by a tree branch on the way down

- your car, which was once your pride and joy, will be destroyed. learn to deal with it!

- move to Shangri-la, where nothing bad ever happens

July 12, 2007

FASHION TRENDS WITH A SHELF-LIFE OF TEN MINUTES

- sport gurdle

- sweater made of recycled crab meat

- a very intelligent design student figured out a way to make a commute that usually lasts 30 minutes take four hours a conceptual fashion trend

- interchangeable trousers

- unflattering overhead lighting

- polishing your nails, out. polishing your deviated septum, in.

- for ten horrifying minutes the answer to the, "why do firefighters wear red suspenders" joke was, "to hold up their gasoline-saturated wool pants"

- the forensic scientist look

- Gumby costume for everyday use that is twice the size as normal Gumby costume

- pleated socks

- blouse embroidered with real live ball python

- textile designers team with physicists to invent Tune Thread, a fibre that is capable of storing MP3's

- third degree burns

LIKELY REACTIONS WHEN TOLD YOU JUST WON A BIRD

- this is perfect because i have a mountain of millet and sunflower seeds out back

- can you offer some suggestions on where i can take bird language classes? i must be able to talk with this bird so that i can treat it as if it were my own child.

- does it fit in my suitcase? i do a lot of traveling.

- i have a lot of questions, not the least of which is, how and why did i win a bird?

- Oh My God! This is the best thing that has ever happened to me!!!

- if this bird enjoys karate and reading science fiction we are going to get along like two peas in a pod

- i would have rather won a pet two-free-tickets-to-Jamaica

- my friend also won a bird and elected it his health proxy

July 11, 2007

THINGS YOUR ALLERGIST NEVER TOLD YOU

- "your allergy to gluten is by far the nerdiest of all the common allergies"

- "I think you have a very serious heart problem, but I'm no expert"

- "by the power invested in me, I hereby sentence you to a lifetime of discomfort and embarrassment"

- "given the empirical evidence found in your son's diaper, my conclusion is that he's VERY lactose intolerant"

- "I had my fingers crossed behind my back when we spoke about the patient-doctor confidentiality agreement"

- "I am hesitant to do a skin test because I have a serious crush on you"

- "the tests came back, and you are indeed allergic to my body odor"

- "we're now going to see if you are allergic to this powerful laser i am going to point at your eye"

July 10, 2007

RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT FOR PRODUCTS THAT NEVER MADE IT

- nose picking glove that gave all test participants a bloody nose

- a wishing well that only granted wishes to one in twenty people (and those wishes would have come true anyway)

- government-issued stamps that are only intended for use on your dog does not work for people who don't own a dog

- "groove bucket" never made it to the production phase because testers didn't have any groove to carry around

- new strain of virus. it was not marketable.

- users were unable to integrate computer and baseball cap

- taste testers who sampled bag of chips called "Court of Public Opinion Potato Chips" gave a unanimous 'No' vote

- search engine optimization unhelpful to users who just want to get stain out of shirt

HOUSE WITH UNNECESSARY ROOMS

- dentist office avoidance room

- auxiliary kitchen with walls and appliances covered in sequins

- five seasons screened-in porch

- jack-in-the-box storage closet

- Forbes 500 room

- the I'm Really Tired Room (A.K.A. guest bedroom)

- Harry Potter trophy chamber

- diversity initiative and staffing support room

- underground carriage house

- closet stacked floor to ceiling with orange juice dispensers

- bagel annex

- room for shy and passive people who really want to be alone

July 9, 2007

WHAT A DOG WOULD DO IN A HOSTAGE SITUATION

- negotiate using reverse psychology

- wear colander on head to look like a space martian

- carefully remove sheriff's badge from jacket, place in front of paws, stick up hands, and walk away slowly

- get blown up because he doesn't even know what a hostage situation is

- remove black hood from head and stick out tongue

- suggest playing a game of truth or dare

- rolling over and/or playing dead is not in this dog's vocabulary

- astonish everyone by opening yapper to negotiate in Ancient Greek

- play a rousing rendition of hits from "Fiddler on the Roof" as a really irritating distraction

- beg to be fed lamb and rice mix for last meal

July 8, 2007

THINGS A YOGA STUDIO CANNOT ACCOMMODATE

- technology

- instructors that incorporate battle and warfare techniques into their "routine"

- non-edifying behavior

- personality

- shallow promises

- obstructed lines of communication

- sharp knives / firearms

- gyroscopes that strengthen your core eliminating the need for yoga classes altogether

- corporate monoliths

- American civil war action sequences

- hierarchy

- "yoga logs" instead of yoga mats

- vinyasa and hatha, acceptable. shamalamadingdong, unacceptable.

- un-om'ing

July 7, 2007

PHRASES THAT ARE DANGEROUS WHEN TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT

- "and he also has a terminal disease, but no one bothered to tell him"

- "I hope you fall off a cliff."

- "all dressed up in a gown that looked like burnt rotini pasta"

- "was covered head to toe in Sasquatch"

- "but who knew telling Sam to choke on his own vomit would result in that kind of behavior?"

- "considering the circumstances"

- "and so we pre-gamed before the funeral"

- "definitely maybe"

- "yes, I would like to clone myself and my mother"

- "she would have wanted it this way"

- "in surgery that is mostly audience participation"

- "You are fat."

- "had to stare at that thing on Joe's face all night because we didn't know if it was going to hatch"

July 5, 2007

POLITE ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS

Q. How many hands am I holding up?
A. Two.

Q. Is today tomorrow's yesterday?
A. How many times do we have to go over this?

Q. Oh, hi, do you remember me? We met last year at Carl's party.
A. Yes.

Q. Is it possible to swim in outer space?
A. Honestly, I've never been there, so I don't feel comfortable giving you an answer.

Q. Why can't I see my own brain?
A. Because you don't have one.

Q. I was attacked by a shark and can't feel my legs anymore. Is this normal?
A. Which question would you like me to answer first?

Q. Is a hot dog the same thing as a tomato?
A. Danny, I don't have time for this.

July 4, 2007

HIGH-BROW TATTOOS

- your epitaph

- any design that will inspire at least two people to write an epic poem

- list of signators of the Declaration of Independence

- octopus tattoo with tentacles that substitute for arms

- kg. --> lb. conversion

- the word 'syllogism' and all its possible anagrams

- prism (of a unicorn)

- "mood tattoo" - changes color depending on mood, ie. blue=relaxed/tranquil/drowsy; red=fire/free-spirited/insatiable; green=currently unemployed; etc.

- "P-H-I-L-I-S-T-I-N-E"

- slice flesh into flaps that can be used as pages to a book

- A² + B² = C²

- anything Tiger Woods (or Venus Williams)

- bowl of ground cumin

- any tattoo that has a built-in computer chip and makes waterfall noises

- a green crayon, because you know that all tattoos eventually turn green

- 3.141592653. . .

- the first draft of your doctoral dissertation

- a table with three legs and "?" where the fourth should be

- instructions

- banner ads you can actually click on

- choose-you-own-adventure tattoo

- You've already landed a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. Now shoot for a design so complex it will earn you a place in the Tattoo Hall of Legends.

July 3, 2007

NEW STANDARDS IN AIRPLANE FOOD

- feed bag

- airplane food is a privilege NOT a right

- anyone who is able to finish a 60oz. hamburger between takeoff and landing wins 1,000 frequent flyer miles

- same food, different shirts

- FAA sponsors legislation that would prohibit carrot spears from in-flight meal service

- it all depends on the plane's re-routing

- "Flight Path 125-AC4" candy bar, in recognition of its terrestrial "5th Ave." candy bar cousin

- water chestnut and celery fondue

- all meals will be served buffet-style in restroom

- McTonsil's Happy Meal

- cake sculpted to resemble a compass with hand pointing NW, as new Northwest Airlines signature dessert

- something festive AND zippy

- Nothing. If you can afford a trans-Atlantic flight you can also afford to bring your own damn meal!

- mandatory pre-boarding questionnaire rating ten meals on a scale of 1-10 in order of preference. You will be fed whichever meal you ranked fifth

- plastic bags

- in plastic bags

- with plastic bags

- cherry-flavored anti-convulsive epidural to feed uncooperative passengers

July 2, 2007

NON-VERBAL WAYS OF SHOWING SOMEONE YOU CARE

- hug yourself, then point to yourself, and then point to her

- do the 'S.O.S. Clap'

- carve sideburns so they resemble a portrait of your life-partner

- "Save the Last Dance"

- tip the caterer a lot of money because it will reflect positively on you and everyone around you

- capture the rainbow in a rainbox

- give everyone two pats on the shoulder, and three pats to your special someone

- draw a diagram

- after you draw a picture of him, hang it on the wall and wait ten years. he'll know you care because you kept it on the wall for ten years.

- launch into hysterics, but only on opposite day

- exchange 'care tokens'

- take a picture of him and then pet it with the back of your index finger

SCHOLARSHIPS AND FELLOWSHIPS OF QUESTIONABLE RELEVANCE

- competitive university fellowship awarded to two (male) students to study if/what environmental influences inspire men to wear capri's in rural Kentucky

- unlimited number of scholarships given to those wanting to reconcile various competing ideas

- after-school youth program attended by recipients of the Tub, Towel and Sandals Fellowship

- fellowship awarded to two history of economics majors study the history of in-store purchase policy

- fifth annual award ceremony celebrating the International Achievements in Time Management fellow

- The Mr. and Mrs. Hilda J. Gardner Foundation, offering fellowships to those who show exceptional talent in software piracy

- What's Your Favorite Hat scholarship

- T. Ethel Grass Foundation, funding toe circumcision rituals in the Amazon River Basin

- scholarship funding long-sought answers to irrelevant questions

- F.A.O. Schwartz Scholarship, for young peoples who are REALLY good at dropping their toys behind the refrigerator

June 29, 2007

WHAT TURTLES DO TO GET IN THE MOOD

- steal a lily pad from its neighbor frog and then running off to giggle underneath the footbridge

- lock lips for like five hours, because turtles move really slow

- take ten minutes to walk across the aquarium and then another ten to whisper a few sweet nothings

- by not just saying, but actually doing

- purr

- wear those jeans that hug all the right places

- put the kids to bed

- clean the poop off the log

- climb on top of each other and never being able to get off

- say, "let's take it slow"

June 28, 2007

UNOFFICIAL HOLIDAYS

- Hottest Day on Record Day

- Feast of Melifazorb

- Limit All Conversations to Words that Start with the Letter 'H' Day

- Nothing is Impossible Day

- Toby's Day

- Baruch Kibbutz Matzoball (Jewish)

- (Really) Tepid Day

- Passing of the Eagle

- Force Your Son to Work Day

- Atticus Finch's Birthday

- Buddy-Up Day

- Dobre Den (Good Day, Russian)

- Day of the Holy Mount

- Taming of the Shrew Day

- 24-hour Festival

- Congratulate Your Daughter Day (families)

- Commemoration of the Throne

- Day of the Week

OUTRAGEOUS GIFTS EXCHANGED AT LAST YEAR'S WHITE ELEPHANT PARTY

- topsoil used by Abraham Lincoln

- Glue, the main character from the movie, "The Return of Glue"

- autographed jersey from the Bite Me Hall of Fame

- sepia tone module

- box of skin abrasions

- grab bag of 1.5 million spent ink jet printer cartridges

- 'Ergo Dome'

- unidentifiable yet authentic relic from the Coptic Church

- garment bag sewn of tungsten fibers

- really uncomfortable sexual euphemisms

- certificate of monetary gift equaling: 1/800 of an orangutan, 4 purple mushrooms, 1/6 cockatoo, 10² meters of rainforest

- unheard sounds

- a spool of electric tape that when unwound could wrap around the equator five times

- 'moon coral'

- the gift of knowing you are celebrating yet another year of exchanging meaningless crap

- three used beef bullion cubes

June 27, 2007

PHRASES THAT ATTEMPT TO EXPLAIN THE NATURAL WORLD

- "The principles of selective randomization remain a mystery"

- "Everything happens for a reason that is not always predetermined"

- "The clock of time is like measuring a miracle"

- "Natural forces can be synthesized to resemble their natural causes"

- "Pixilated thinking yields fractured methods of logical reasoning"

- "Reciprocal dividends work towards a common goal"

- "The cycle always returns to its beginning"

- "Left to their own devices, Chance and Reason would cancel each other"

- "History has shown that natural selection tends to choose what was meant to be"

- "A circle turns because it is in constant motion"

June 26, 2007

CONFUSING JOB TITLES

- under secretary to the sub-committee

- initiative officer

- associate to the executive manager of marketeer'ing and conservation efforts

- hyphenated-specialist

- associate vice president

- patron saint of academic studying

- part-time czar

- second tier totalist

- actions and repercussions adviser

- professionalist

- international and world-wide optical and vision-focused tenured professorship

- personalized care assistant

- grand master of underlings

- creativity analyst

- pneumatic device and machine optimizer

June 25, 2007

I FIND IT REALLY INSENSITIVE WHEN YOU:

- encourage Grandpa to drink his pants through a straw

- insist on calling me Diane when you know my name is Tom

- huddle

- urinate on books

- mispronounce 'niche'

- treat the dining room table as a pommel horse whenever guests are over, in an attempt to relive your success as an Olympic gymnast

- bring up my 'weight issues' at public speaking events

- limit your cell phone coverage just to spite me

- order in when we're already out

- say, "oh no you didn't" each time I fail the bar exam

- hang out in the refrigerator, because your body temperature sucks up all the cold air letting the rest of the food rot

June 24, 2007

HALLMARKS OF A DECADENT HIGH SCHOOL

- administration refers to students as 'clients'

- Bose loudspeakers

- ATM's outside each classroom

- afternoon tea served with organic Madagascar cane sugar and creme de la creme

- mink pelt chalkboard erasers

- headmaster is Sultan of Brunei

- Hermes uniforms

- mahogany humidors hold ornate cherry wood pencils

- students give teachers Faberge eggs as Christmas presents

- cafeteria eating utensils include demi spoons and cheese forks

- most common punishable offense is double parking Bentley convertible

- biology taught out of original hand drawn Audubon books

- field trips include behind-the-scenes tours of Sotheby's

- students choose between scribes and stenographers for note-taking

- electives taught in Queen's English, and 'football' class in Cockney

DEATH METAL COVER SONGS

- Satan has a Goiter

- Cry on Your Wound

- Birth Demon

- Blood in Cistern

- Cervix Couch

- That Rank Newton

- Three-Pronged Noose

- Drown Your Weasel

- I Take Back Everything I Ever Said, and More!

- Awww Shucks

- The Nazi Surprise Party

June 23, 2007

MOST DISGUSTING FOOD AND DRINK TO WATCH OTHERS EAT

- trough of yellow dye no. 5

- chum bucket

- congealed mealworm juice

- offspring

- deep-fried yak endocrine system

- scar tissue

- human placentae after 'hanging out' in direct sunlight on the hood of a car

- secretions

- floor scrapings from a day's run at the fish market

- litter of gentle kittens

- 'nose raisins'

- burnt crispies

June 22, 2007

WHAT THREE YEAR-OLDS DO FOR FUN

* * * List By: Lily Thorns * * *
(based on real-life events as a mother of seven)

- when Mom is cleaning for company, uses honey to decorate herself, the dog, and the kitchen, and then sprinkle pretty sugar on top

-
picks gum off the underside of the church pew to eat it

-
paint lamp with nail polish

-
hide big sister's cell phone and blame it on the dog

-
rub magnets on the computer screen to watch all the pretty colors

-
torture the cat by locking it or zipping it inside any container that it fits in

-
spread 'armpit perfume' all over big brother's room

-
see how many different things will fit inside the VCR or DVD player, until it won't work any more

MEDICINE AND ANATOMY IN CLASSICAL MUSIC

- Haydn's "I'm Pregnant" Symphony

- Beethoven's psoriasis period

- clipped and cauterized wing scene from Wagner's "Flying Dutchmen"

- J.S. Bach's Leprosy Cantata

- Benjamin Britten's vaccinated song cycles

- Corelli's grand sonata in F-sharp Major for piano and colorectal coninuo

- Dmitri Infectionovich Shostakovich

- Rachmaninoff's Elegy for the Terminally Ill Piano

- "Triple Bypass Hamburger Waltz", by Schumann

- Antonio Stradavari, violin no. 145 - "The Brain"

- Dvořák's concerto for endoscopy

- piece for conceptual muscle fiber, by John Cage

- bowel movement from Tchaikovsky's sixth symphony

- Herbert von Cataracts and the Bifocal Philharmonic

- colonoscopy scene from "Tanhauser"

- Modest "The Membrane" Moussorgsky

- Mahler's "Kinderelbowleider"

- surgical spoon solo in Bartok's Concerto for Orchestra

- famous two-measure bassoon passage as leitmotif for herniated disc, in Wagner's Ring Cycle

- "Huntington's Syndrome Paesant Dances", by Janáček

- popular movement to re-introduce the ad lib cadenza in modern neurosurgery

THINGS HIPSTERS WILL SOON MAKE IRONIC, PART 2

- voice recognition software

- stalactites and stalagmites

- Japanese tour groups

- ordering a beer that is "extra-hoppy"

- the word 'pontiff'

- lute music of the late Italian Renaissance

- discovering (and naming) new planets

- purchasing URL's that contain the word 'bot' and is used as a double entendre

- products by Norelco

- Chubby Checkers

- RT in-state plane flights

- rain sticks

- volunteering at the zoo

- Norse mythology

June 21, 2007

THINGS TO PICKLE

- Grandpa's earlobes

- all six convenient locations

- the satisfaction of knowing you are the best pickler in the world

- ebony and ivory

- younger sister's really annoying friend

- shampoo

- cucumber you've been saving since the fourth grade

- design concepts

- set your mind to it and you can do (pickle) anything

- original documents

- fried green tomatoes and/or film of the same name

- curly fries

SIGNS THAT A CLOWN MEANS BUSINESS

* * * List By: SARA HUNEKE * * *

- red nose made of galvanized steel instead of rubber

- permanent face paint

- advanced degrees in astrophysics

- water-shooting flower attached to high pressure fire extinguisher tank

- adheres to strict diet high in fiber, low in sodium, with five daily servings of silly beans

- curly wig made of hair from extinct alpaca species

- trained his tear ducts to emit one single tear to slide slowly down his face

June 20, 2007

QUOTES FROM MOVIE REVIEWS THAT OPENED TO CRITICAL DISDAIN

- "Two hours of your life you'll never get back"

- "will make you want to set yourself on fire"

- "If given the option. . .I would have chosen life in prison"

- Genre-crossing movie. . .smearing the lines between Crap, Total Crap, and God-Awful Crap"

- "Inspired by a true story"

- "Undeniable"

- "Will make you want to buy [this movie]. . .just so you can throw it away"

- "one billion thumbs down"

- "Sewer stink on the screen? Yes."

- "The extinct pig of modern cinema"

- "Presidential veto"

- "Imagine the worst movie you've ever seen and then multiply it by 100. Then multiply that number by 15"

- "You'd have better luck cutting your lawn with a paper towel than enjoy this film"

QUOTES FROM MOVIE REVIEWS THAT OPENED TO CRITICAL ACCLAIM

- "If this film were to play 'rock, paper, scissors'. . .it'd be the diamond-tipped sabre"

- "I took out a life insurance policy in honor [of this film]"

- "A Zinger of a Fitzpatrick!"

- "Pretty. . .good"

- "Rivals first trip to the moon. . .in terms of human achievement"

- "on a scale of 1-10, this movie is awesome!"

- "el taco GRANDE!!!"

- ". . .was worth every penny. . .of my child's college fund"

- "The first 20-lane highway of the silver screen"

- "Yessssss. . .Wooooooo!"

- "An honor and a privilege"

- "It's as if 'Brilliance' became a proper noun, sprouted legs, and was ushered through the gates of heaven"

- "Definitive"

IDEAS FOR GOOGLE MAPS

* * * List By: RENOIR GAITHER * * *

- Green, eco-friendly burial sites

- UN-sponsored refugee camps

- Settings of Chuck Palahniuk novels

- Known North American honey bee hive extinctions

- Parisian hangouts that Arthur Rimbaud and Paul Verlaine frequented

- 19th-Century utopian communes

- Known commercial smoking ban violators

- T.V. sitcom cities, i.e. Cleveland for Drew Carey Show

- Sites where peace agreements were signed and conflict broke out
less than 5 years afterwards

- School districts that offer cash incentives for good grades

June 19, 2007

INSTITUTIONS OF LOWER-LEARNING

- witch school / Halloween school

- any school who's enrollment is open to reindeer

- Black Water Cooking Institute

- Unrehabilitated Academy

- acting school

- International Institute for the Advancement of the One-Legged Tripod

- The Academy (as opposed to THE Academy)

- finishing school for alligators

- prison education enrichment programs who's syllabus is determined by access to smuggled books

- Abacus Polytechnic

- I.C.D. (Institute for Cognitive Degeneration)

- College for the Uninspired and Uninspiring

- O.M.P.I. (Outdated Medical Procedure Institute)

- rehabilitation schools for the terminally ill

- Fast Rabbits Racing Academy

- Applebee's University

REACTIONS TO A FRIEND'S (REALLY) BAD HAIRCUT

- pretend like you don't know them

- help put things in perspective

- "Your hair looks like a brushfire, but in a good way."

- offer to slash tires of hair stylist responsible for this abomination

- set ground rules

- "dude, you gotta get some of that turban action goin' on"

- attempt to engage friend in conversation covering any subject but their haircut, and accidentally steer the conversation back to their haircut

- "I can tell you need some alone time", is always a good out

- donate a tuft of your dog's hair as a way to show you care

- say, "This is only a tiny part of the long journey that is life"

- offer to take your friend's picture as a future reminder of what NOT to do

- break your friend's arm as a way to distract from the searing pain of their haircut

June 18, 2007

BILLS PASSED INTO LAW BY VERY NARROW MARGIN

- effective the first of the year corporate restructuring will function on the honor system

- Prohibition. On everything and until further notice. Period.

- displaced peoples may now choose between resident alien status or lifetime of all-inclusive resort-stays broken up into three-week chunks

- women carrying in third trimester eligible for coupon redeemable for one free oil change

- No Child Left In Line: free meal plan for students who would otherwise be left in line

- No Child Left Online: community outreach program ensuring no child be left online

- No Child Cut In Line: children who cut in line will now be prosecuted to the full extent of the law

- FRR (Frame of Reference Referendum): everyone is now entitled to their own frame of reference

- trade unions may no longer discriminate or deny membership to any country whose main export is Crisco

- by 2015 publicly held companies must switch from unfair trade, to fair trade, to equal trade, to generous trade

- Shelly's Law: free health care to anyone suffering from Shelly

- raise voting age from 18 years of age to 18 years and two months, so as to comply with "new standards"

June 17, 2007

NEEDLESSLY COMPLICATED METHODS OF KEEPING TIME

- conquering/solving the space-time divide

- keep track of how many times old tire washes up on shore

- metronome

- by factors of any double-digit prime number

- (be mindful of your hopes and dreams and) count how long it takes until you find success

- cost of rising college tuition multiplied by annual percentage of inflation, divided by fixed interest monthly student loan payments

- you and friend take turns LOL'ing for 5 then 10, 15, 20. . . seconds

- potato clock

- lock onto a view of the atomic clock and never take your eyes off

- hold you breath and count to 20. repeat ad infinitum

- hourly readings on sundial made of shattered dreams

- time-elapsed photography

- count the number of times people compliment your shirt and multiply by three

June 15, 2007

KING ARTHUR AND HIS:

- team of cardiac surgeons

- collection of hamburger buns that have burn marks resembling the Virgin Mary

- feast of nations

- eye of newt

- coat of many colors

- stream of consciousness

- freedom of press

- department of baked goods

- battlefield of dreams

- troupe of interpretive dancers

- purveyors of petticoats

- army of calligraphers

- demographic of repeat visitors

- collection of spatulas

- sultans of saweeeeet!

HIGHER LEVELS OF SOPHISTICATION

- measurements that transcend numbers

- surrey with the fringe on top (of the world's tallest man-made structure)

- zero's and one's replaced by eh's and aye's

- ten thousand trilibyte graphing calculator

- that guy, Chucho, after he returned from astronaut camp

- data transfer!

- digitized acupuncture

- employers that assess applicants on who they do NOT know

- non-invasive psychic probing

- 0001100 1111010010011 100010100

- mirrors so powerful they open unknown portals into yet-to-be-discovered dimensions

- seeing past racial differences and instead focusing on racial similarities

- computer processors so small they don't even exist

- learning to cope with a full bladder under one billion pounds of pressure and several years of stress

- unsolved mysteries

- Zorgon

June 14, 2007

WAYS TO IMPROVE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

- mood music

- beer and sneaker sponsorships

- change name from 'State of the Union' to 'State of My Swollen Glands'

- F.A.Q. lightning round

- no-holds-barred bi-partisan ultimate fight in the aisles

- dark interior secretary of the underworld casts magic spell on congressional sub-committees

- use air quotes whenever saying the words, "counter-insurgency"

- dim lights for laser light show

- begin with evening wear round, followed by swimsuit round, and finish with impressive talent show

- Vice President gets tattoo of URL to post-coverage debate on forehead

- ad hoc vote on whether or not president should keep his job

- blue screen background to add scenery that is confusing and totally out of context

- encore performance

June 13, 2007

OUTDATED WAYS OF BEING REALLY ANNOYING

- shoveling pooridge into her bed

- pop rocks in the butter churn

- being ironic by pretending to be a petty criminal and throwing tomatoes at yourself during the Italian Renaissance

- when apprenticing as a candlestickmaker, make armpit noises

- noogies on your shoulder

INSPIRATIONAL STATEMENTS THAT DON'T ACTUALLY MEAN ANYTHING

- 'The horizons of your success exceed the horizons of your expectation'

- 'Become a better person. Live a better people.'

- 'Shining a light on your thinking illuminates your thoughts about yourself'

- 'Walk a mile in my shoes and you'll realize that we stand in the same place'

- 'A friend is a friend's best friend'

- 'You are the water under your own bridge'

FEELING ADVENTURESOME WHEN CHOOSING YOUR LAST MEAL

* * * list by KIRK BOYER: questions-all.blogspot.com * * *


- pick something from a menu printed in a foreign language you don't understand without pictures

- giant-sized fast food: eighty-ounce burger, tub of soda, thousands of fries

- normal dinner with your whole family

- cornmeal

- go skydiving with all red licorice parachute

- draw it out. have a gobstopper for dessert

- get a pizza with everything on it (be as literal of your interpretation of this as you can manage)

June 11, 2007

LIVING THE HIGH LIFE

- order hotel turn-down service for your kleenex

- art museum pieces on permanent loan at your own house

- real estate holdings on Neptune

- re-untrain your hamster to run on his wheel so you have the pleasure of training him one more time

- petition God to have rested on the 6th AND 7th day

- burn off that pesky planters wart

- CTRL + B; CTRL + I; CTRL + U; CTRL + ME

- copyright your child's first words, 'mooma' and 'dadoo'

- print full page Sunday newspaper ad. of to-do list that only .000001% of the population can relate to

- wax poetically with custom laser sculpted wax

- stop world hunger by UN-backed Atkins Diet initiative

- rewrite history

June 10, 2007

IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH OF SUMMITING MT. EVEREST

- empty nutrient-rich bladder

- change tunes on ipod for descent

- take a beauty rest

- exercise poor judgment by ripping off oxygen mask and downing liter of orange juice

- no one cares anymore

- order pizza for helicopter delivery

- finish reading Homer's Odyssey, which you've been saving as reward for climbing tallest peak in the world

- cartwheel into triple back flip with double rotation all the way down the mountain

- speak in language only you and your identical twin can understand

June 8, 2007

BOOKS THAT NEVER MADE IT TO PRESS

- At the Water Cooler: A Proactive Guide to Cooperative Teambuilding

- antonym sequel such as, Never Loud Off the Eastern Back


- What FDR Ate for Lunch, 1934-1937


- reference book referencing every reference book


- History of Silence


- Practical Application for Microfiche in the Year 2007


- Progressive Thoughts for the Sub-Intellectual Thinker


- I’m a Christian Hear Me Roar: The Life and Times of Jesus H. Christ


- minute-to-minute descriptive writing exercise on permafrost


- Oofta!


- You Promised to Do the Weatherproofing TODAY, and other unjust tales


- minutes from U-Haul Inc. board of directors meeting


- compilation of short stories from freshmen year creative writing course


- Diet Popcorn Recipes


- guide to “subwoofering” a cell phone

IF I KNEW YOU WERE COMING I'D HAVE:

- swept

- baked a cake

- staged an unimpressive but thoughtful reenactment of the Korean War

- tidied up the house

- slaughtered a goat

- written a piece of historical fiction based on your ancestry

- impressed you

- built you a harpsichord

- smiled

- taped a note to the front door

- moved the mountains and parted the sea

- worn appropriate clothing

- bent my knives into plows

- drank the rest of the top-shelf liquor so I didn't feel obligated to offer you any

- kicked Nancy Reagan

- jumped down from my high horse

- made a bird feeder out of an old milk carton

- done background research

- left an away message saying, "out doing laundry"

- called for hired help

MAGIC 8 BALL OFFERS ADVICE ON FIRST DATES

- ride around on a portable escalator

- "Burger King is Now Hiring" T-shitrs for his/hers

- don't even think about making a joke out of the 'big feet' comment

- place large stopwatch in middle of dinner table

- nephrology is NOT what you think it is

- you're a people person, remember?

- do not bring the metaphor loose cannon to life

- remember that dating is a challenge, but honoring your date's request to 'please pass the salt' is challenginglier

- expensive PH balance shampoo still makes you look like you live in a wind tunnel

- tell her that your vulnerability can be a good thing

- do not answer all of his questions with Osama bin Laden quotes

- her dad IS actually Jimmy Hoffa, so don't make light of the importance of truckers' unions

- undershirts are meant to be worn under your shirt NOT over it

- don't speak in Klingon unless she pulls up to your house in Starship Enterprise

- look at your date being in a coma as a 'challenge'

- dinner + movie = old school; dinner + hide and seek in a suitcase = new school

- give the gift of redemption, and accept the gift of salvation

- whispering to waiter that you have a loaded gun is not a funny practical joke

- paying for meal in magical tokens may prove that you are actually of authentic pirate blood

- walk on ceiling with sticky shoes

- demonstrate that sheet rock is NOT actually rock by putting your head through it

- tell her you can overhear her thoughts, and completely agree that koala bear stuffed animals are sooo cute!

- running commentary on prominent birthmark may make date feel uncomfortable

- say her your new funny laugh joke

June 7, 2007

WAYS IN WHICH DINNER GUESTS CAN EXPRESS GRATITUDE TO THEIR HOSTS

- run laps around dinner table

- best impersonation of all-night senate filibuster

- convince host to assist you in holding a séance in their garage

- saying, "that dinner was so good, I'll just sit here until you cook me another"

- alcohol poisoning

- release the penguins

- offering condolences regarding spouse's infidelity in front of children who are just old enough to understand the implications

- saying, "mmm, that was delicious, can I have the recipe?" 1,000 times in a row

- demonstrate to hosts how to use yardsticks as chopsticks at Chinese-themed meal

- allow hosts to sit back and take it eaay while you do enough dancing for the both of you

- open door to dog kennel after you were expressly told to "let the dog be", because it just had surgery and would re-injure its leg if given the opportunity to escape from the kennel

June 6, 2007

UNREASONABLE DEMANDS

- take the garbage out 24/7

- a second opinion is not enough. you need at least 75 opinions

- get to Zelda's last cave level without dying

- Yanni as soundtrack to your life

- build scale model of Taj Mahal using four toothpicks and a three-ring binder

- perform an autopsy on yourself

- convince international Olympic committee to choose your backyard for upcoming summer games

- fake your own death while giving speech at televised award ceremony

- convince your friends that Stephen King is your best friend and then pay Stephen King to hang out with you for an afternoon

- count to infinity

- visit grandparents at their assisted living home more than once every three months

- will yourself to get out of bed before 1pm on the weekends

- take the Snickers challenge with hands tied behind back

- swallow your own cough

- instead of a friendship bracelet, get a friendship tattoo with someone who used to be friend with, but had a bad falling out with several years ago

June 5, 2007

MOST COMMON REASONS FOR VISITING FOREIGN CONSULATE

- to introduce a new species of butterfly

- free Dasani water bottles

- you didn't know that being left-handed was a serious criminal offense

- triage

- because you are really bored

- in order to let your new native friend see the wide variety of faces and personalities representative of your home country's impressive diversity

- Kao Bung Wook is no longer a satisfactory substitute to Bruce Springsteen

- you need to borrow a phone because you dropped yours in the toilet hole

- to find out once and for all what P.O.W. M.I.A. stands for

- because you made a REALLY BIG MISTAKE

- this is your first time out of the country and can no longer function without Tivo

- turned away at airport because tape worms cannot be domesticated

- you got a glass sliver and have to chill out for a while before re-joining the tour group

- because you got a call from your folks wondering if you received the package, since they didn't hear back from you

- deluxe explorer compass has accidentally changed country's borders, increasing the chances of being caught in the middle of warring factions

June 1, 2007

THINGS 14 YEAR-OLD GIRLS DON'T WANT THEIR DAD TO BRING ON A FAMILY VACATION TO THE CARIBBEAN

- Juicy Couture shirt that spells JUICY across the front in Swarovski crystals

- company golf team

- 14 year-old boys. Yuck!

- the bible

- pictures taken in the bathtub during toddler years

- chamber pot full of margarita mix

- laptop with flight simulator

- complete embarrassment

- total embarrassment

- constant embarrassment

- debilitating embarrassment

- air quotes

- toothpicks to chew on

- alcoholism

- Leave it to Beaver DVD anthology

- loud-speaker announcement, "Ashley, you forgot your training bra"

- results of popularity contest

- entire line of Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirts with hibiscus floral design

- acne

- collection of WWII British canons

- impersonation of Justin Timberlake

- line item veto privileges

- conference call with teachers past and present

- silly voices

- Darth Vader theme music on repeat

- Dairy Queen job application

THINGS HIPSTERS WILL SOON MAKE IRONIC

- comb-over

- Beanie Babies

- permanent markers

- the year 1999

- men wearing large hoop earings

- career as dental hygienist

- the word "live"

- bunions

- reverse psychology

- mowing the lawn

- prime numbers

- birthday celebrations at Applebee's

- elastic waistbands

- caligraphy

- walking backwards

May 31, 2007

FUTURE CATCH PHRASES

- Mecca lecca, man - used as a substitute for phrases like, "it's all good", "no worries"

- erotic-photonic - to describe something or someone that is sexy or arouses attraction

- fanta - taken from the soft-drink; recent college grad's who returned home after backpacking in Europe introduced the drink to popular American culture. Most commonly used as an exclamation or form of approval, as in, "that's the fanta" or "those pants are so fanta"

- Honda - as in the automaker. Used as an affirmative, in place of "sure", "yep". Also as exclamation, such as, "that's Honda".

- patrol the goat - used as a cautionary, or a fun yet potentially dangerous activity. "Don't go patrol the goat", "Wanna smoke and then patrol the goat?"

- mang - substitute for "man". "hey, mang", "he's the mang"

- prego's - abbreviation for 'pregnant' and used by guys who are ready to go/leave/exit. "I'm so prego's", "Let's prego's", "I'm ready to prego's"

- Mississip (pronounced miss-iss-ip) - meaning long or arduous. "that train is going to be mississip", "are you seriously ready to mississip?"

May 28, 2007

ITEMS SOLD AT BERT AND ERNIE'S STOOP SALE

- hardcover copy of, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”

- “Sleepless in Seattle”

- broken eyebrow plucker

- beautiful lanyard tablecloth

- two twin beds that conveniently hook together to form one queens size bed

- his/hers towel set

-bunk beds

-water bed

-Barbara Streisand LP’s

- cute fish tank

- peppermint bon-bons

- assortment of pink Valentine's Day Pez dispensers

- primary colors

- sleeping caps

- encouragement

- bed time stories

- Barbara Streisand autographed photos

- postcard from Provincetown

- warm fuzzies

UNSUNG TALENT OF HIGH-BUDGET HISTORICAL ACTION THRILLER

- real cyclops

- wooden teeth appraiser

- master storyboard specialist on extinct fauna

- assistant to the philatelist

- High Victorian Era white noise replicating machinist

- special needs advisor

- druid coat-clad fluffer

- situationalist

- chief librarian and curator of the document and scrolls division

- outdated steel-cored swiss ball arobicist

- quill and ink writing coach

- guy who morphs into a wolf

- beveled matting instructor

- marine endocrinologist

- lingual specialist in 13th Century Gaillego-Porteguse in the vernacular

- comic-relief munitions specialist

- facial hair pathologist

- caterers for team of vegan prehistoric animals

- butcher, baker, candlestick maker

- pyrotechnomaniacist

- walking stick expert

- fabulous team of period room fabric makers

- phrenologist

- understudy to "guard number 3"

- person responsible for holding on to the key for the suitcase that hides the special captain's booty

- prosthetic octupus arm consultant

- inquisitionist

- irony enforcement

- antique smelling coach

- Tom, keeper of the gallows

- The Queen Magistrate of ostentatious and highly unlikely costume jewelry

- maintenance crew on 'copper smelting' shot

May 26, 2007

FOSSIL PLANTS

- toptutatus tortillas

- butrosbutros galigali

- jawsasillus frenchgueana

- espestospecio prestissimo

- requicockous confutatis

- beta cracka

- indianus trojanus

WORDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE ON A SCRABBLE BOARD

- UNIMMATURE

- GHOSTBUSTER

- GHOSTBUSTERS

- BEEFPEXTATION

- 2PAC

- ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM

- A.K.A.DICK

- WORDULARIUM

- LEARNINGLIER

- MOSHE'SDELI

- WEWISHYOUAMERRYCHRISTMAS

- R2D2

- PAULNEWMAN

- BETHESDA,MD

- ALF

- DIEZAUBERFLÖTE

PHOBIAS


- geneophobia - fear of one's own genes

- beacuseophobia - irrational fear of using articles in written and spoken English

- sarousaphobe
- irrational fear of sarousaphones

- GREATOPHOBE
- someone scared by his/her own GREATness

- remotecontrolophobia
- aversion to remote controls and all life-enhancing tools

- folicacidophobia
- fear of neighbor's folic acid intake

- teleptobphobe
- one who is scared of telepathy; teleportation

- genrephobia
- fear of artistic categorization, see also pretentiophilia

- leptonophobia
- being scared of sub-atomic particles

- unknownophobia
- fear of unknownophobia

- undulophobia
- fear of undulating

- Galaptogophobe
- one who is afraid of vacationing in the Galapogos Islands

- heliophobia
- irrational fear of helium

- eminemaphobia
- fear of white rappers

- createophobe
- one who is afraid of creating on any level whatsoever

- sprockophone
- one who is afraid of the German schprocket

-
slutskayaphobia - fear of Russian women; see also olgaphobia

- propsophobia
- fear of receiving or throwing props to friends and family. see also: shoutoutophobia

- blobophobe
- fear of blobs

- vistaphobe
- fear of software updates

- trilesalectinophobia - fear of camping equpiment

- paniniophobia
- irrational fear of paninis

- assbergerssyndrophobia
- fear of leopard print decorations and fabric

- nondysthymiaphobia
- fear of not being not-happy

-
extremesalineophobe - one who is EXTREMELY allergic to salt

-
narniaphobic - fear of the make-believe and fanciful; see also sedimentaliphilia

-
yupectsophobia - fear of dire consequences and all forms of derision

-
slantoscaphobia - fear of seeing performance of "Tosca" sitting anywhere other than middle seats of the first mezzanine

-
elipsaphobia - fear of circles with irregular radii, see also rectangaphobia (fear of drinking Tang)

- hyperhemiacongealophobia - fear of imminent and sudden death

-
opulantophobia - fear of German automobiles with the exception of late model Volvo station wagons

-
chillaphobia - see A.D.D.

- semisubconsciousophobia - fear of inattention to any sub-cutaneous or barely-noticeable epidermal abrasion


May 18, 2007

FRUITS ENJOY THEIR 15 MINUTES OF FAME

- because Madonna wrote a children’s book about it

- cantaloupe finishes lab maze race quicker than rat opponent

- farmers’ press conference limited because of crop’s exposure to 170 degree dry heat

- growth hormone used to enhance taste instead causes ubiquitous Groucho Marx nose and glasses costume




- pumpkin so large it required hospitalization and several months recovery from gastric bypass surgery

- signs of artificial intelligence can only sustain interest for so long


- for a very brief period the TSA required all travelers to remove their pineapples before security checks

- neighborhood watch group convinces local media to film discussion of dingleberry re-zoning laws

- commercial push for Valentine's Day chocolate substitute - passion fruit - never gained consumer support

- prickly lychee fruit lacerates patient during exfoliating process

- coconuts outlawed in Iran after government learns that name contains the word "nut"

May 17, 2007

PSYCHOLOGISTS BLAME SPOUSAL ARGUMENTS ON CITIES AND COUNTRIES

- Seoul lard is a big part of this cookie recipe. Why don’t you just shoot me!

- You know that constant chewing sound makes me so Hanoid!

- Why won't you let me take the top down and head towards the beach on the recently opened Beirut.

- All I ask is that you pick up a list of things we need for tonight’s dinner party: apple pie, canoli, and Arubarb pie. Can you please get it right this time?

- Sometimes I just need to get away from the ball and chain and get a drink. You checked out the bar at the new flop house, Bangalore?

- Sorry, but your Minneapolis not as enticing as it used to be.

- Son, you catch him doing that one more time and I give you permission to go to court and Baghdad.

- The light brown walls are already showing signs of Beijing because of the direct sunlight. I told you they needed at least one more coat of paint!

- Yo Terence, you almost hit me when you bumped dat corner. You always saying that it’s chill because Dakar has a perfect safety record, but it’s you that don’t, ya hearing me?

IT'S A COINCIDENCE YOU MENTION THAT BECAUSE:

- I happen to be flexing that muscle at this very moment

- she said no

- Alan just ran out the door to buy me some Preperation H. for my roids

- my doctor ALSO said Mylanta

- as much as I would like to go, I just can't

- the buzzer was just about to go off

- Nora Roberts is also on my list of favorite authors

- I was already considering donating my estate to KFC

- my son already sent in his applications to a laundry list of top tier schools for my, I mean his, benefit

May 16, 2007

THINGS YOU WILL FIND UNDER GUARNERI STRING QUARTET'S BED:


- scrotum enhancing boxer-briefs

- body soil

- cake of prophylactic rosin

- the cleaning lady's old wristwatch

- Black and Milds, patchouli incense, tweezers used as roach clip

- racial tension

- carbon-graphite alloy tuning fork

- Souvenirs from 1998 Burning Man

- performance enhancing drugs

- salves, balms, creams

CASUAL CLERGY CONVERSATION

- do our clergy cards still get us a 50% discount at Amen's Warehouse?

- let's trade hats and see if anyone notices

- drink of mine bloody water and dip of my dillwad

- that's what she didn't say

- men on the right, women on the left, trannies in the middle

- the truth will set you free

- let's set our differences aside and get shitfaced

- you down with a paideia?

- chug, chug, chug, chug. wooooo!

- Zoroastrianism is so last week

- Baruch atah can we go home yet?

May 6, 2007

GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT

- tooth fairies, because you’re 40 and still haven’t lost your baby teeth

- advanced medical treatment

- AARP membership discounts at Denny’s

- vote of confidence

- end of season clearance sales

- equal rights

- Korean orphan

- circumcision ritual

- the end of a two-hour long A.A. meeting and a handle of Jim Beam

- a box inside a box inside a box inside a box, revealing yet another box, albeit gilded and jewel-encrusted

- sweet release

- Jeep Grand Cherokee , fully loaded

May 5, 2007

THIS IMPENETRABLE FORTRESS

- business level subscription to SPAM filter

- deceptively placid stream of liquid mercury

- THE beef curtain

- fear of the afterlife

- Barbara Bush clone army

- Norelco razor wire

- motes filled with primordial ooze

- 9,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall

- Gahdzilla

- 12 gigawatt surround sound broadcast of NPR’s “Democracy Now”

- force field with red laser beams and mirrors

- The People’s Federated Republic of Dilbert

- doors that open onto fields of padlocks and puddles of superglue

- Jerome, Reginald, Tyrone after insulting their mother

- steel reinforced copies of Teen People forming 10’ walls

- front line of mock Civil War enthusiast convention key note speakers

LADIES WHO LUNCH

- Ani Defranco

- Lady Di, Princess of Whales

- Mr. and Mrs. Peepers

- Waltzing Matilda

- Mazda Miata for her and hers

- Agnes and Dorothy

- old fat chicks

- The Doily and Lace Fashion Patrol

- the book from Oprah's most recent book club

- 1994 Lillehamer Olympic Gold Metal Swedish Women's Ski Team

- weekly online Brooklyn food eating club

- Wells Fargo middle management early 40's weekly lunch

WORDS AND PHRASES COMMON IN GERIATRIC HOMES


- Phyllis, how many times do I have to tell you? The straw in your mouth is connected to your catheter, not your glass of juice

- Can someone please take advantage of me?!

- Was that me?

- Wizzle ist mein shizzle?

- She's just doing that for attention

- You can blame 80 years of gravity for your skin flaps.

- Rudy ate mine

- Please ask the warden if he can reconsider his use of mechanical advantage to better accommodate his residents' wheelchairs. I suggest lengthening the ramp so as to allow for a 10% reduction in gradient.

- My daughter promise to bling-out my dentures with a mad gold grill, yo.

- Look Blanche, Rocky and Bullwinkle!

- Ma'am, if we put the potted plant that far to the left it will be five feet outside the window.