WAYS TO INTELLECTUALIZE WHY YOU LOOK FAT IN THE MIRROR

- you're big, fat and ugly

- the pearls of wisdom are coming out of the giant Japanese oyster and messing with your self-image

- you're aging wider

- mirror's feng not in line with your shui

- retribution for ordering Chinese 50 days in a row

- perspective

- razor burn so bad it makes you look like you're wearing a suit made of jello

- transcendental reflections

- it's actually the mirror behind the mirror that makes you look fat

- you're profile appears a mosaic of chum buckets