April 30, 2007

LEAST VALUABLE REAL ESTATE

- Darfur

- Chechneya

- Compton, L.A.

- Pyongyang

- Romanian Orphanage

- Shooting Range

- Taco Bell

- Sao Paulo's 26th District Prison Ward

- Beirut's main sewage treatment facility

- Downtown Baghdad

- I-95 truck stop public restroom

- Tiananmen Square, 1989

- Tallahassee

THE GOVERNMENT IS WATCHING:


- cereal (they confused 'Syria' with 'cereal')

- Sally Jesse Raphael

- time elapsed video images of a caterpillar turning into a butterfly

- Google's toilet

- your punctuality, because the last time you said you were going to meet me at 7pm you didn't show up until a little after 8:30

- transformation of light into matter

- 9/11 action shots

- soft-core porn

- the purchase receipts of every nuclear submarine vendor in Lower 48

- (mineral) deposits

- internet simulcasts of Chem 188 lecture

- bootleg recordings of Jerry Garcia

- your every movement

- Desperate Houswives

- it's own demise

- Craigslist for Upper East Side summer sublet for under $1,500/month

THREE BLIND MICE, THREE BLIND MICE, SEE HOW THEY:

-have the last laugh

-hedge their bets

-do the electric slide

-eat their pink children

-Anne of Green Gables




-publish and distribute newsletters

-react to a paralyzing stream of voltage

-deal with mounting debt through avoidance

-cuddle and make puppy faces when nobody's watching

-still carry on the nomadic tradition by walking the Silk Road

-totally went through the whole punk rock phase like a million years ago

-recently purchased a beautiful corduroy couch on sale at Pottery Barn

-have started to explore the rest of the charcuterie plate

-nest inside a hollowed-out floor speaker and later drown in a puddle of antifreeze

-decorate their nest with wreaths and holly branches during the yuletide season

-move their bowels in a way that sculpts droppings into beautiful pebble-like objects

-have dabbled in hallucinogens but always come back to opiates

April 27, 2007

Things NOT to do in a sauna:

- urinate on the coals after eating four pounds or asparagus

- elephant walk

- Carlos Santana

- compare yeast infections

- (attempt to) refrigerate cheese

- lock the door as a practical joke

- walk the dog

- interpretive dance performance to reading of Jane Eyre

- rip off toenails with icepick and reattach them with hot pepper sauce

- tie plastic bag around your head

- empty colostomy bag

- use as a portal to smuggle boatload of severely dehydrated refugees

- have your way with Latoya Jackson

- host a colorectral surgical convention



JACK BE NIMBLE, JACK BE QUICK, JACK JUMP OVER THE:

- space-time divide

- Panama Canal

- candlestick

- trail of tears

- ground-to-air ballistic missile attack

- African American perspective

- innovation

- prayer vigil

- forcefield

- metaphor

- sudden death round of Scrabble tournament

- particle accelerator

- hurdle

- lunar eclipse

- inquisitive mind

April 26, 2007