A JACKET IS NOT JUST A JACKET IF

- able to order an enchilada all by itself

- recently underwent cartilage and ligament surgery

- close personal friends with Tom Brokaw

- utilizes moisture-repellent technology

- has an endoskeleton

- shields you not only from the elements but from passive aggressive comments

- co-authored book, "My Friend Cardigan"

- comes with a Saddle

- comes with a full battery of condiments

- knows you well enough to sense that you're tense and then whisper in your ear, "loosen up those shoulder muscles and just relax"

LIFE, LIBERTY AND THE PURSUIT OF ___________

- unconventional wisdom

- hollandaise sauce

- a means to an end

- secrets

- solution to the sub-prime mortgage lending fall-out

- jurisprudence

- the Afikomen

- intelligent re-design

- one's superego

- Beethoven's wooden flute

- Flonaise

SITUATIONS WHERE IT IS POPULAR TO COMPROMISE YOUR OWN SAFETY

- when egged-on by your classmates at a third grade field trip to the zoo, you impersonate a muskrat in its natural habitat, underwater for ten minutes

- at annual Feast of Nations celebration, hold a demonstration called, Famine of Nations, which you dedicate to sub-Saharan Africa

- on an Irish fraternity trip to the Motherland, attempt to steal the Blarney Stone for use in initiating practices

- when competing in a Scrabble tournament held in front of an audience that hates the game, and against a very dangerous opponent, rearrange the letters so that they line the perimeter of the board so that they don't spell real words

- freshmen year of college: alcohol poisoning

- you are the chair and founding member of the 'Free and/or Highly Subsidized Plastic Surgery Club', and need to demonstrate various methods of achieving your club goal. throw yourself in front of a speeding train so that the nose job you've always wanted costs $500, your insurance plan's deductible for facial reconstructive surgery.

NYC DEPARTMENT OF TOURISM CAMPAIGNS AND SLOGANS AT LOCAL POPULATION'S EXPENSE

- racial stereotypes promoted to bolster tourism spending in 'ethnic' neighborhoods

- public awareness billboard saying, 'Hold a hand. Hold a homeless person.'

- all New Yorker's required to wear T-shirts that say 'I Heart Boston'

- NYC people, AKA sewer people.

- all museum tours now include dinner with your guide's family

- pamphlets distributed to tourists notifying them that Chinatown is not actually China, deterring millions of dollars in potential business

- native population forced to take humiliating classes on proper hygeine

- dine free of charge at any NYC restaurant fri/sat night only

- city assumes defecit in public opinion by running campaign with the slogan, 'New Yorker's Are People Too'

EXAMPLES OF SELF-PUNISHMENT INVOLVING BBQ RIBS

- rub two cleaned and bleached ribs together so fast that they generate enough heat to burn your hands

- in an effort to prove your rib-eating acumen in a competition setting, you announce that corn on the cob, beans and gravy, cornbread, baked potato, and a 2ltr. bottle of diet coke are compulsory in your self-prescribed competition platform

- eat bowl of rib fingerlings, ex. mud skipper, baby colobus monkey, vole

- create BBQ rib equivalent of the burning coal walk, using ribs cooked at extremely hot temperatures and slathered with super-spicy sauce

THE MOST GULLIBLE PERSON IN THE WORLD

- does not have a keen intuition

- believes the moon is made of cheese

- is probably nice, but a flaming idiot

- gave himself the nickname 'Captain Gullible'

- rivals a goat in terms of logical reasoning and intellect

- has been living under the assumption that ice is made of 'frozen'

- exemplifies every single stereotype

- has stared at the ceiling for the past two weeks

- lists 'gullibility' under strengths/weaknesses (both) on job applications

- Skippy

- enjoys the phrase, 'there is no 'I' in Team'