ONLINE DATING SITE FEATURES THAT NEVER CAME TO FRUITION

* * * * * List By: Beppie Q. Huidekoper * * * * *

- web-cam activated sensor device that tracks the number of times you pick your nose per hour and displays this figure on your profile in picks per hour (pph)

- 'your friend got laid' notifier that sends you a message with the lucky friend's name and any pertinent details, while you shift back and forth between your profile page to a number of erotic websites

- feature that searches a database for lewd words or phrases that rhyme with your first or last name--for example, words that rhyme with Jerry Genus or Judith Bartz

- automatic music stream that plays randomized excerpts exclusively from 'Romantic Moments: Classical Music for Lovers' and 'The Nutcracker Suite (trombone, pennywhistle and synthesizer version)'

- 'my-flower' video feed that links the top 5 youtube live flower coverage videos posted that day to your profile

- 'rate-my-toes' survey that asks your friends to rate a close-up photo of your toes from 1-10, 1 being the ugliest and 10 being the prettiest, and displays your average on your profile next to your birthplace

- aptitude test and figure displayed in profile, after which you may only request friendship from others at or below your 'intelligence range'

- feature that displays a new Yiddish word and definition every time you log in, along with the leading culinary sites' top-ranking recipes for noodle kugel, latkes, or gefilte fish

METHODS OF CULINARY RELAXATION

- invite General Tsao to repeat soothing mantras while you cook his famous aromatic chicken dish

- click carrots together and repeat, "there's no place like home, there's no place like home"

- make double batch (!) of meat popsicles

- soothe the mind and numb the senses by freebasing a Vidalia onion

- while preparing dinner play audio tape of the book, "The Tranquil Baster: A Collection of Short Memoirs"

- boost morale by wearing red sequined evening gown as an apron

- convert rice cooker into foot bath by filling basin with warm water and lavender-scented sea salt

- pretend kitchen faucet is a waterfall and frolic about in its cool mist

- during the Christmas season, replace the sand in your rock garden with confectioners sugar, and rocks with gingerbread cookie chunks

CONSOLATION PRIZES AWARDED AT 1895 WORLD'S FAIR

- wooden nickel

- early model Samsung VHS player

- firm handshake and hefty pat on the back from Nashville's Mayor Kirby

- coupon redeemable for a cowboys and Indians-themed family Christmas card, using an 'image capturing module'

- comforter made by the newest and most desired fabric in the world - polyester

- all-inclusive vacation package for two to the 'New World' - Eerie, PA

- jar of molasses

- a trigon (three-wheeled wagon)

- gun powder horn filled with sweet strawberries and melon hard candies

- one gallon of Hagen Das frozen yolk cream and animal fat swirl

- your unincorporated township will become incorporated and named after your forward-thinking but untimely pharmacological invention - Ambien

DIORAMAS KEPT IN STORAGE AT THE AMERICAN MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY

- scene representing the urgency following a transgression

- 'Hall of Mirrors' diorama

- a concept diorama displaying the actual tools used to make

- 'That There Good Ol', Down Home, Darn Tootin Diorama' removed because it started to become ironic

- scene representing an amalgam of every wool blanket scene from every cholera movie

- 'The Tie Dye Experiment' put in storage until a new plexiglas case replaces the old one, which had too many burns from joints and cigarettes

- the 'Loose Underwear' diorama, depicting man looking in a mirror while pulling elastic waistband away from his body

- contents from the old 'Larry and Edna Great Hall', because there grandchildren want nothing to do with inheriting a collection of dioramas depicting Mickey and Minnie mouse in various romantic settings

- the so-called, 'Scratch 'n Sniff' diorama, showing a giant nose with a finger inside of it up to its second knuckle

- ward number six from Chekhov's "Ward Number Six"

- Larry the Nighttime Janitor's favorite diorama that had to be removed because it was distracting him from his job

- Santa and Mrs. Claus's little toy factory removed because it includes a fleet of elf workers with prominent dwarf features, which is no considered politically incorrect

- American dust bowl scene that uses glitter as dust

- THE 'Matrushka Diorama' - a diorama inside a diorama, inside a diorama, inside a diorama, inside a diorama, given to the museum as a gift by the Russian Federation

SCIENCE SELF-HELP BOOKS WRITTEN IN THE FIRST PERSON

- "Living in Outer Orbit - My Life as a Valence Electron"

- "My Amps Have Cramps"

- "How I Learned to Cope and Compensate for My Underdeveloped Seismometer"

- "When I Need a Force Field, and Other Self-Recognition Methods of Deflecting Negatively-Charged Feedback"

- "This Nebulous World - Boating for Answers in a River of Psychic Destruction and Dark Matter"

- "Take a Chance on Chance"

- "Me and My Robot - A Marriage Counseling Odyssey"

VICTORIAN EROTIC CINEMA CLASSICS

- The Corset Massage Parlor

- Sequins of Passion

- Lord Josiah Carberry's Enchanted Nipples

- Shirtless in the Stables

- On the Curves of Desire

- Sir Arthur Petticoat and His Manor Maids

- The Muff-less Winter

- Eugenia's Surprise

WAYS TO IMPRESS A GIRL ON THE HIGH SCHOOL DANCE FLOOR THAT HAVE A 0% SUCCESS-RATE

- spend the entire evening creating a dungeons and dragons profile inspired by her greasy hair

- do the 'swim dance' in inflatable pool of high-fructose corn syrup

- the one-up flower presentation method (step-by-step description):

1.) start by pinning a corsage to girl's dress
2.) walk off the dance floor and return with a long-stemmed rose
3.) put hands behind back and arrange for friend to to hand you a
bouquet that you then present to girl
4.) walk to the outer edge of the parquet floor to pick-up potted plant for girl
5.) present girl with bonzi tree that you grab from the DJ's table
6.) lastly, walk out of the ballroom and into the hotel lobby.
return to ballroom with a large potted tree to place at her feet

- ask if she wants to dance with your love handles

- sit atop a table and remind her over and over again that you are having a terrible time

- fall on your face, both figuratively and literally

- show her your introspective and quiet side

WHEN B.Y.O.______'ING IS UNNECESSARY OR INAPPROPRIATE

- humility house - B.Y.O.I(nflated ego)

- homeless shelter - B.Y.O.A(ffluent living)

- airport - B.Y.O.S(tringent security rules and regulations)

- laundromat - B.Y.O.B(bucket of lint)

- vegan restaurant - B.Y.O.B(eef)

- door - B.Y.O.E(ntrance/exit)

- church - B.Y.O.H(ome-made holy water)

- grocery store - B.Y.O.D(iscounting cashier)

- outdoor concert - B.Y.O.A(mpitheater)

- blood-letting - B.Y.O.L(aceration)

- Chinese restaurant - B.Y.O.C(hinese food)

- bar - B.Y.O.B.

MTV'S "MY SUPER SWEET SIXTEEN" SPIN-OFF, "MY SUPER SWEET BAR MITZVAH"

- chair-raising dance done to P. Diddy song

- all guests given an 'oy bag' instead of a party bag

- parents live out their dreams of one-upping their friends by throwing the biggest most ostentatious party ever

- hotel's closed-circuit television broadcasts "funny sermon" written and performed by bar mitzvah boy

- boy steps out of limousine and makes grand entrance wearing a blue velvet jump suit with Star of David embroidered in shiny silver thread on the back

- "Dad, you're so stupid! I told you I did NOT want you and Mom to rent a Hannukah Harry impersonator!"

- party-themed centerpieces made from recycled yarmulkes

- party is Joseph and the Amazing Technicolored Dreamcoat-themed, not because of its biblical theme, but because bar mitzvah boy is going through a Broadway musical phase

- parents try to be really cool by saying (and repeating) 'kosher shmosher'

- T-shirt screen printer left out two words - 'bar' and 'mitzvah' - when making shirts, so they read, 'JEREMY'S BIG'