WAYS TO INTELLECTUALIZE WHY YOU LOOK FAT IN THE MIRROR

- you're big, fat and ugly

- the pearls of wisdom are coming out of the giant Japanese oyster and messing with your self-image

- you're aging wider

- mirror's feng not in line with your shui

- retribution for ordering Chinese 50 days in a row

- perspective

- razor burn so bad it makes you look like you're wearing a suit made of jello

- transcendental reflections

- it's actually the mirror behind the mirror that makes you look fat

- you're profile appears a mosaic of chum buckets

SIGNS A THIRD-GRADER IS DEVELOPMENTALLY DISABLED

- calls Rubik's cube 'boobix coob'

- answers every question, 'I know you are, but what am I?'

- was independently diagnosed by three leading child neuropsychologists as developmentally disabled to the extreme

- crashes legs into wall when things just aren't making sense

- when your child says to you, 'Dad, I need to talk and I need for you to listen. Now, I know my grades aren't the best and that you and Mom aren't exactly pleased when I throw my shoes at you when it's time for me to eat dinner. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my seemingly hostile behavior and frustratingly stunted verbal and communication skills might be explained by a syndrome or disease even,. I also want you to know that I am sympathetic to the marital strains you and Mom have because of me, and believe me when I say to you right here and now that from here on out I will make a valiant attempt not to hide your briefcase in the septic tank.'

- you start shopping at the Sharper Image in order to distract yourself

- he enjoys himself and/or doesn't care

PRODUCTS RECENTLY RECALLED FROM HOME DEPOT

- flesh puddy

- "MY HUSBAND'S A BRICK" bumper sticker

- automatic assault rifle modifying kit for allen wrench

- electric knuckle remover

- do-it-yourself hip replacement kit

- cement laisons

- soldering iron designed to join small intestine and nasal membrane

- practical joke kit that includes: gasoline-mister, snake urine, pink hammer made to appear rubber, regular staple with a pricetag attached reading $5,000

- employees' red smocks

MOST COMMON PHRASES SAID BY THE MODERN URBAN BEE KEEPER

- "well, if you consider getting stung more than 14,000 times, than yes, I suppose I am a living legend"

- "I am the glue that holds the mortar that binds the house that shelters the animals who enjoy the shelter and tend to the honeycomb that bees built"

- "vote 'yes' on Proposition 49, requiring all modes of public transportation run on honey by the year 2015"

- "hey wasps! stop gentrifying my comb, yo"

- "outcast is a relative term no matter how pertinent it is regarding my place in society"

- "I have to go out this afternoon, first to Old Navy and then make a quick stop at the drug store"

BEVERAGES THAT LEAVE UNPLEASANT AFTERTASTE WHEN CONSUMED IMMEDIATELY AFTER BRUSHING TEETH

- orange juice

- gasoline

- bile

- poultry frappe

- sloose

- crushed lipid juice

- underachievement

- pink'ish greasy fluid

- generous serving of cholesterol

- hamster juice

- essence of Helen

RESULTS OF DEFORESTATION

- motorcycles will no longer be built out of wood

- toucans will be forced to find shelter in old newspapers

- the word 'sapling' will be erased from dictionaries and collective consciousness

- decline in property value, rise in dirt and chicken wire fencing

- the disappearance of forests will encourage using non-wood material in manufacturing, such as recycled cell phones and Dijon mustard

- tree huggers will adopt frowning campaign

- thicket becomes the new forest

- log cabins will be stripped of aesthetic

- rise in demand for wooden clogs will see violins turn into shoes

- denial

- 'earth therapy' will establish itself as a legitimate service covered by most insurance plans

- bread will no longer be made using wood pulp

- there will be a consensus among most reasonable people that human beings have an impact on the natural world

- Hannukah will be shortened to seven days

- entire line of 1958 1/2" Norwegian multi-board laminate condensers will become obsolete