WAYS TO IMPRESS A GIRL ON THE HIGH SCHOOL DANCE FLOOR THAT HAVE A 0% SUCCESS-RATE

- spend the entire evening creating a dungeons and dragons profile inspired by her greasy hair

- do the 'swim dance' in inflatable pool of high-fructose corn syrup

- the one-up flower presentation method (step-by-step description):

1.) start by pinning a corsage to girl's dress
2.) walk off the dance floor and return with a long-stemmed rose
3.) put hands behind back and arrange for friend to to hand you a
bouquet that you then present to girl
4.) walk to the outer edge of the parquet floor to pick-up potted plant for girl
5.) present girl with bonzi tree that you grab from the DJ's table
6.) lastly, walk out of the ballroom and into the hotel lobby.
return to ballroom with a large potted tree to place at her feet

- ask if she wants to dance with your love handles

- sit atop a table and remind her over and over again that you are having a terrible time

- fall on your face, both figuratively and literally

- show her your introspective and quiet side