DISAPPOINTING COUPONS

- one complimentary apple after you move the old refrigerator out to the curb for garbage pick-up

- free estimate on how long it will take for your receding hairline to degenerate into full-blown baldness

- free admission to Solitaire World Series

- buy one get one free of substantially lower cost and quality

- removes rust and lime scale when rubbed vigorously against the shower stall

- appeared to be the most generous discount ever offered until you see 'j/k' at the bottom

- expired ten minutes ago

- good for ten years of your son peeing all over the toilet seat

UNCONVENTIONAL WAYS OF RESPONDING TO A COMPLIMENT

- "thank you from the pit of my stomach"

- "you are welcome?"

- respond in the royal we - "we thank you very much"

- ask for a piece of paper and write out an algebraic equation that uses T-H-A-N-K-Y-O-U as variables

- consider buying the complimenter a complimentary votive candle

- "you don't have to say it, I already know"

- run and hide

- say, "well, that figure reflects more of a combined income than my actual salary"

THINGS YOU WERE NEVER TAUGHT WHEN TRAINING TO BE A WAITER / WAITRESS

- automatically assume that any person aged 4-19 will order pizza or chicken fingers

- customers are unable to tell the difference between regular and decaf, as well as Mountain Dew and popcorn

- you are: the low man on the totem pole, the bane of your co-workers' existence, the bottom of the barrel, and the laughing stock of the restaurant, that is until the next new hire comes along

- there is no such thing as a health code violation so long as the customer doesn't see you

- training will include several one-on-one lessons with a vocal coach to perfect the three-part harmonies in your restaurant's special version of the Happy Birthday Song

- the feud between the kitchen staff and front of the house has been going on long before you started, so don't get involved

- calling the busser your lackey is disrespectful

- "would you like to hear our specials?" is not only improper grammar, it is an imperative, not a question

AMENITIES FOUND AT WORLD'S ONLY TEN-STAR HOTEL

- beef brisket on demand

- complimentary dry cleaning that exclusively services glass slippers

- presidential suite decorated with dead presidents stuffed and mounted on mahogany base

- each copy of bedside bible written from the actual pen of God

- world's only 700 carat tic-tac-toe board in lobby

- room service goes good on its name by bringing you an actual room

- press red button to be slapped and given a verbal reminder that you make way too much money

- toilets filled not with water, but Chanel No. 5

- doorman pulls you up by the bootstraps so you don't have to take the initiative

- world's only ten-star baked potato

- hotel commissions fairy tales to be written about its awe-inspiring past

- poolside bar serves drink called Classic Establishment

RECENTLY DISCOVERED CONSTELLATIONS OF STARTLING ACCURACY

- intersection of 7th St./2nd Ave., New York, NY, with traffic flowing Northbound

- punk rock drummer headbanging at rate of 240 bangs/second, and a Vic Firth cedar drumstick in hand

- screen shot from season three, episode 14 of The Office (American)

- 30-second clip from the first Steamboat Willy cartoon

- panoramic view of the 1987 Minnesota Twins World Series victory

- a glimpse into your future as a spokesperson for the AARP

- posthumously completed version of Mahler's Tenth Symphony

6'4" man (to-scale in light years)

MINING NATURAL RESOURCES IN THE YEAR 2050

- sulfur reserves will have been depleted more than 20 years ago requiring matches to be made with a different, yet equally acrid, smell in order to mask really stinky bathrooms

- reserves of linoleum floor tile will be discovered and used as fuel

- salt mines will work in harmony with yeast and baking soda mines

- the Bic Pen Company will begin drilling for solid ink deposits

- large earth-piercing drills will be replaced by solar-powered battle axes

- natural resources will be obsolete after being replaced by China

- fools gold reserves are on the brink of extinction, and demand will push prices past that of real gold

- abandoned mine shafts have converted into 'fun elevators'

- while building massive underground networks of cathedrals, doomsdayer's will stumble upon several trillitons of pirate booty

- Adidas Shoes pays top dollar to brand newly-discovered natural resource named Power Jump Technology

- Mother Earth will be torn between finding mankind destructive and enterprising