THINGS YOU WERE NEVER TAUGHT WHEN TRAINING TO BE A WAITER / WAITRESS

- automatically assume that any person aged 4-19 will order pizza or chicken fingers

- customers are unable to tell the difference between regular and decaf, as well as Mountain Dew and popcorn

- you are: the low man on the totem pole, the bane of your co-workers' existence, the bottom of the barrel, and the laughing stock of the restaurant, that is until the next new hire comes along

- there is no such thing as a health code violation so long as the customer doesn't see you

- training will include several one-on-one lessons with a vocal coach to perfect the three-part harmonies in your restaurant's special version of the Happy Birthday Song

- the feud between the kitchen staff and front of the house has been going on long before you started, so don't get involved

- calling the busser your lackey is disrespectful

- "would you like to hear our specials?" is not only improper grammar, it is an imperative, not a question