AMENITIES FOUND AT WORLD'S ONLY TEN-STAR HOTEL

- beef brisket on demand

- complimentary dry cleaning that exclusively services glass slippers

- presidential suite decorated with dead presidents stuffed and mounted on mahogany base

- each copy of bedside bible written from the actual pen of God

- world's only 700 carat tic-tac-toe board in lobby

- room service goes good on its name by bringing you an actual room

- press red button to be slapped and given a verbal reminder that you make way too much money

- toilets filled not with water, but Chanel No. 5

- doorman pulls you up by the bootstraps so you don't have to take the initiative

- world's only ten-star baked potato

- hotel commissions fairy tales to be written about its awe-inspiring past

- poolside bar serves drink called Classic Establishment