- Anne of Green Gables' Thanksgiving holiday spread
- This impenetrable Fortress
- the $700 sandwich
- you're being a diaper marathon
- you're being a temperate thermometer
- you're being a cold turkey
- you're being a unwanted pregnancy
- you're being a traffic jam
- you're being a bit confused
- you're being a dangling participle
- you're being a sub-par
- you're being a bad weather
- you're being a hassle-and-a-half
- you're big, fat and ugly
- the pearls of wisdom are coming out of the giant Japanese oyster and messing with your self-image
- you're aging wider
- mirror's feng not in line with your shui
- retribution for ordering Chinese 50 days in a row
- perspective
- razor burn so bad it makes you look like you're wearing a suit made of jello
- transcendental reflections
- it's actually the mirror behind the mirror that makes you look fat
- you're profile appears a mosaic of chum buckets
- calls Rubik's cube 'boobix coob'
- answers every question, 'I know you are, but what am I?'
- was independently diagnosed by three leading child neuropsychologists as developmentally disabled to the extreme
- crashes legs into wall when things just aren't making sense
- when your child says to you, 'Dad, I need to talk and I need for you to listen. Now, I know my grades aren't the best and that you and Mom aren't exactly pleased when I throw my shoes at you when it's time for me to eat dinner. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my seemingly hostile behavior and frustratingly stunted verbal and communication skills might be explained by a syndrome or disease even,. I also want you to know that I am sympathetic to the marital strains you and Mom have because of me, and believe me when I say to you right here and now that from here on out I will make a valiant attempt not to hide your briefcase in the septic tank.'
- you start shopping at the Sharper Image in order to distract yourself
- he enjoys himself and/or doesn't care
- flesh puddy
- "MY HUSBAND'S A BRICK" bumper sticker
- automatic assault rifle modifying kit for allen wrench
- electric knuckle remover
- do-it-yourself hip replacement kit
- cement laisons
- soldering iron designed to join small intestine and nasal membrane
- practical joke kit that includes: gasoline-mister, snake urine, pink hammer made to appear rubber, regular staple with a pricetag attached reading $5,000
- employees' red smocks
- "well, if you consider getting stung more than 14,000 times, than yes, I suppose I am a living legend"
- "I am the glue that holds the mortar that binds the house that shelters the animals who enjoy the shelter and tend to the honeycomb that bees built"
- "vote 'yes' on Proposition 49, requiring all modes of public transportation run on honey by the year 2015"
- "hey wasps! stop gentrifying my comb, yo"
- "outcast is a relative term no matter how pertinent it is regarding my place in society"
- "I have to go out this afternoon, first to Old Navy and then make a quick stop at the drug store"
- orange juice
- gasoline
- bile
- poultry frappe
- sloose
- crushed lipid juice
- underachievement
- pink'ish greasy fluid
- generous serving of cholesterol
- hamster juice
- essence of Helen
- motorcycles will no longer be built out of wood
- toucans will be forced to find shelter in old newspapers
- the word 'sapling' will be erased from dictionaries and collective consciousness
- decline in property value, rise in dirt and chicken wire fencing
- the disappearance of forests will encourage using non-wood material in manufacturing, such as recycled cell phones and Dijon mustard
- tree huggers will adopt frowning campaign
- thicket becomes the new forest
- log cabins will be stripped of aesthetic
- rise in demand for wooden clogs will see violins turn into shoes
- denial
- 'earth therapy' will establish itself as a legitimate service covered by most insurance plans
- bread will no longer be made using wood pulp
- there will be a consensus among most reasonable people that human beings have an impact on the natural world
- Hannukah will be shortened to seven days
- entire line of 1958 1/2" Norwegian multi-board laminate condensers will become obsolete
- able to order an enchilada all by itself
- recently underwent cartilage and ligament surgery
- close personal friends with Tom Brokaw
- utilizes moisture-repellent technology
- has an endoskeleton
- shields you not only from the elements but from passive aggressive comments
- co-authored book, "My Friend Cardigan"
- comes with a Saddle
- comes with a full battery of condiments
- knows you well enough to sense that you're tense and then whisper in your ear, "loosen up those shoulder muscles and just relax"
- unconventional wisdom
- hollandaise sauce
- a means to an end
- secrets
- solution to the sub-prime mortgage lending fall-out
- jurisprudence
- the Afikomen
- intelligent re-design
- one's superego
- Beethoven's wooden flute
- Flonaise
- when egged-on by your classmates at a third grade field trip to the zoo, you impersonate a muskrat in its natural habitat, underwater for ten minutes
- at annual Feast of Nations celebration, hold a demonstration called, Famine of Nations, which you dedicate to sub-Saharan Africa
- on an Irish fraternity trip to the Motherland, attempt to steal the Blarney Stone for use in initiating practices
- when competing in a Scrabble tournament held in front of an audience that hates the game, and against a very dangerous opponent, rearrange the letters so that they line the perimeter of the board so that they don't spell real words
- freshmen year of college: alcohol poisoning
- you are the chair and founding member of the 'Free and/or Highly Subsidized Plastic Surgery Club', and need to demonstrate various methods of achieving your club goal. throw yourself in front of a speeding train so that the nose job you've always wanted costs $500, your insurance plan's deductible for facial reconstructive surgery.
- racial stereotypes promoted to bolster tourism spending in 'ethnic' neighborhoods
- public awareness billboard saying, 'Hold a hand. Hold a homeless person.'
- all New Yorker's required to wear T-shirts that say 'I Heart Boston'
- NYC people, AKA sewer people.
- all museum tours now include dinner with your guide's family
- pamphlets distributed to tourists notifying them that Chinatown is not actually China, deterring millions of dollars in potential business
- native population forced to take humiliating classes on proper hygeine
- dine free of charge at any NYC restaurant fri/sat night only
- city assumes defecit in public opinion by running campaign with the slogan, 'New Yorker's Are People Too'
- rub two cleaned and bleached ribs together so fast that they generate enough heat to burn your hands
- in an effort to prove your rib-eating acumen in a competition setting, you announce that corn on the cob, beans and gravy, cornbread, baked potato, and a 2ltr. bottle of diet coke are compulsory in your self-prescribed competition platform
- eat bowl of rib fingerlings, ex. mud skipper, baby colobus monkey, vole
- create BBQ rib equivalent of the burning coal walk, using ribs cooked at extremely hot temperatures and slathered with super-spicy sauce
- does not have a keen intuition
- believes the moon is made of cheese
- is probably nice, but a flaming idiot
- gave himself the nickname 'Captain Gullible'
- rivals a goat in terms of logical reasoning and intellect
- has been living under the assumption that ice is made of 'frozen'
- exemplifies every single stereotype
- has stared at the ceiling for the past two weeks
- lists 'gullibility' under strengths/weaknesses (both) on job applications
- Skippy
- enjoys the phrase, 'there is no 'I' in Team'
* * * * * List By: Beppie Q. Huidekoper * * * * *
- web-cam activated sensor device that tracks the number of times you pick your nose per hour and displays this figure on your profile in picks per hour (pph)
- 'your friend got laid' notifier that sends you a message with the lucky friend's name and any pertinent details, while you shift back and forth between your profile page to a number of erotic websites
- feature that searches a database for lewd words or phrases that rhyme with your first or last name--for example, words that rhyme with Jerry Genus or Judith Bartz
- automatic music stream that plays randomized excerpts exclusively from 'Romantic Moments: Classical Music for Lovers' and 'The Nutcracker Suite (trombone, pennywhistle and synthesizer version)'
- 'my-flower' video feed that links the top 5 youtube live flower coverage videos posted that day to your profile
- 'rate-my-toes' survey that asks your friends to rate a close-up photo of your toes from 1-10, 1 being the ugliest and 10 being the prettiest, and displays your average on your profile next to your birthplace
- aptitude test and figure displayed in profile, after which you may only request friendship from others at or below your 'intelligence range'
- feature that displays a new Yiddish word and definition every time you log in, along with the leading culinary sites' top-ranking recipes for noodle kugel, latkes, or gefilte fish
- invite General Tsao to repeat soothing mantras while you cook his famous aromatic chicken dish
- click carrots together and repeat, "there's no place like home, there's no place like home"
- make double batch (!) of meat popsicles
- soothe the mind and numb the senses by freebasing a Vidalia onion
- while preparing dinner play audio tape of the book, "The Tranquil Baster: A Collection of Short Memoirs"
- boost morale by wearing red sequined evening gown as an apron
- convert rice cooker into foot bath by filling basin with warm water and lavender-scented sea salt
- pretend kitchen faucet is a waterfall and frolic about in its cool mist
- during the Christmas season, replace the sand in your rock garden with confectioners sugar, and rocks with gingerbread cookie chunks
- wooden nickel
- early model Samsung VHS player
- firm handshake and hefty pat on the back from Nashville's Mayor Kirby
- coupon redeemable for a cowboys and Indians-themed family Christmas card, using an 'image capturing module'
- comforter made by the newest and most desired fabric in the world - polyester
- all-inclusive vacation package for two to the 'New World' - Eerie, PA
- jar of molasses
- a trigon (three-wheeled wagon)
- gun powder horn filled with sweet strawberries and melon hard candies
- one gallon of Hagen Das frozen yolk cream and animal fat swirl
- your unincorporated township will become incorporated and named after your forward-thinking but untimely pharmacological invention - Ambien
- scene representing the urgency following a transgression
- 'Hall of Mirrors' diorama
- a concept diorama displaying the actual tools used to make
- 'That There Good Ol', Down Home, Darn Tootin Diorama' removed because it started to become ironic
- scene representing an amalgam of every wool blanket scene from every cholera movie
- 'The Tie Dye Experiment' put in storage until a new plexiglas case replaces the old one, which had too many burns from joints and cigarettes
- the 'Loose Underwear' diorama, depicting man looking in a mirror while pulling elastic waistband away from his body
- contents from the old 'Larry and Edna Great Hall', because there grandchildren want nothing to do with inheriting a collection of dioramas depicting Mickey and Minnie mouse in various romantic settings
- the so-called, 'Scratch 'n Sniff' diorama, showing a giant nose with a finger inside of it up to its second knuckle
- ward number six from Chekhov's "Ward Number Six"
- Larry the Nighttime Janitor's favorite diorama that had to be removed because it was distracting him from his job
- Santa and Mrs. Claus's little toy factory removed because it includes a fleet of elf workers with prominent dwarf features, which is no considered politically incorrect
- American dust bowl scene that uses glitter as dust
- THE 'Matrushka Diorama' - a diorama inside a diorama, inside a diorama, inside a diorama, inside a diorama, given to the museum as a gift by the Russian Federation
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