DISAPPOINTING COUPONS

- one complimentary apple after you move the old refrigerator out to the curb for garbage pick-up

- free estimate on how long it will take for your receding hairline to degenerate into full-blown baldness

- free admission to Solitaire World Series

- buy one get one free of substantially lower cost and quality

- removes rust and lime scale when rubbed vigorously against the shower stall

- appeared to be the most generous discount ever offered until you see 'j/k' at the bottom

- expired ten minutes ago

- good for ten years of your son peeing all over the toilet seat

UNCONVENTIONAL WAYS OF RESPONDING TO A COMPLIMENT

- "thank you from the pit of my stomach"

- "you are welcome?"

- respond in the royal we - "we thank you very much"

- ask for a piece of paper and write out an algebraic equation that uses T-H-A-N-K-Y-O-U as variables

- consider buying the complimenter a complimentary votive candle

- "you don't have to say it, I already know"

- run and hide

- say, "well, that figure reflects more of a combined income than my actual salary"

THINGS YOU WERE NEVER TAUGHT WHEN TRAINING TO BE A WAITER / WAITRESS

- automatically assume that any person aged 4-19 will order pizza or chicken fingers

- customers are unable to tell the difference between regular and decaf, as well as Mountain Dew and popcorn

- you are: the low man on the totem pole, the bane of your co-workers' existence, the bottom of the barrel, and the laughing stock of the restaurant, that is until the next new hire comes along

- there is no such thing as a health code violation so long as the customer doesn't see you

- training will include several one-on-one lessons with a vocal coach to perfect the three-part harmonies in your restaurant's special version of the Happy Birthday Song

- the feud between the kitchen staff and front of the house has been going on long before you started, so don't get involved

- calling the busser your lackey is disrespectful

- "would you like to hear our specials?" is not only improper grammar, it is an imperative, not a question

AMENITIES FOUND AT WORLD'S ONLY TEN-STAR HOTEL

- beef brisket on demand

- complimentary dry cleaning that exclusively services glass slippers

- presidential suite decorated with dead presidents stuffed and mounted on mahogany base

- each copy of bedside bible written from the actual pen of God

- world's only 700 carat tic-tac-toe board in lobby

- room service goes good on its name by bringing you an actual room

- press red button to be slapped and given a verbal reminder that you make way too much money

- toilets filled not with water, but Chanel No. 5

- doorman pulls you up by the bootstraps so you don't have to take the initiative

- world's only ten-star baked potato

- hotel commissions fairy tales to be written about its awe-inspiring past

- poolside bar serves drink called Classic Establishment

RECENTLY DISCOVERED CONSTELLATIONS OF STARTLING ACCURACY

- intersection of 7th St./2nd Ave., New York, NY, with traffic flowing Northbound

- punk rock drummer headbanging at rate of 240 bangs/second, and a Vic Firth cedar drumstick in hand

- screen shot from season three, episode 14 of The Office (American)

- 30-second clip from the first Steamboat Willy cartoon

- panoramic view of the 1987 Minnesota Twins World Series victory

- a glimpse into your future as a spokesperson for the AARP

- posthumously completed version of Mahler's Tenth Symphony

6'4" man (to-scale in light years)

MINING NATURAL RESOURCES IN THE YEAR 2050

- sulfur reserves will have been depleted more than 20 years ago requiring matches to be made with a different, yet equally acrid, smell in order to mask really stinky bathrooms

- reserves of linoleum floor tile will be discovered and used as fuel

- salt mines will work in harmony with yeast and baking soda mines

- the Bic Pen Company will begin drilling for solid ink deposits

- large earth-piercing drills will be replaced by solar-powered battle axes

- natural resources will be obsolete after being replaced by China

- fools gold reserves are on the brink of extinction, and demand will push prices past that of real gold

- abandoned mine shafts have converted into 'fun elevators'

- while building massive underground networks of cathedrals, doomsdayer's will stumble upon several trillitons of pirate booty

- Adidas Shoes pays top dollar to brand newly-discovered natural resource named Power Jump Technology

- Mother Earth will be torn between finding mankind destructive and enterprising

SUBJECTS OF LAST WEEK'S NEIGHBORHOOD GROUP MEETING

- "so to recap: Stan made a motion to equip all child care centers with fire extinguishers; Amy wants to create a community garden; and Tom wants a pony"

- "no offense, but the chocolate chip cookies that Sue baked had way too much salt"

- opposition party to really short skirts voiced their concerns just before the break

- "I'm sure you all remember when Sabrina said, 'I'd like to make a motion, that this neighborhood group take a chill pill and stop taking itself so seriously"

- whatever happens in this elementary school cafeteria stays in this elementary school cafeteia

- "As was discussed, dating is not allowed between member of our neighborhood and our competing neighborhoods"

- decision to hold applause until the end of the meeting was made after said motion

THINGS THAT MIGHT NOT BE SUPERSTITIOUS BUT SHOULD BE

- being told you will have 50 unwanted pregnancies

- the heebie jeebies

- the number 13 is trumped in years bad luck by the square-root of zero

- building a diarama recreating the Salem witch trials will make a real live witch spontaneously combust

- Transylvania is not bad luck, it's just scary

- step on a crack and break your mother's back, step on a line and you'll break your brother's spine

- watching someone fall down the stairs is automatic bad luck

- never breathe on a spoon and let it dangle from your nose, because it is seven years in the slammer

- eating turkey sandwiches (under any circumstance) is 10 years back breaking manual labor

- falling out of a rollercoaster and living to tell about it won't result in such fortunate circumstances next time

THIS IS THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT

- one of two man-made creations visible from outer space, the other being the Great Wall of China (and even that's a misnomer)

- is always warm with love, and smelling of mulled apple cider

- Jack only built a small part of his house. the majority was built by volunteers working for former president Jimmy Carter's brainchild, HUD

- has one guest room for Little Miss Muffet, one for Peter Piper, and another for Simple Simon

- pantry closet doubles as Harry Potter's vacation home

- houses the world's largest collection of graduated cylinders

- around the corner from Little Jack Horner

- welcome mat reads, "ME SO HUNGRY"

METHODS OF DATA TRANSFER

- your favorite clock

- "Hey Dad, I'm up here!"

- a paper shredder takes a (potentially) coherent hard copy of data and shreds it into many pieces of data

- throwing things

- trust falls

- the language of love is not a reliable method of data transfer

- the language of love is not necessarily a method of data transfer

- it's thought that chimpanzees have their own method of data transfer called, 'talking in their own language'

- photos of people holding signs

- smoke signals are a complicated example because conditions are not always permitting

- reconnaissance

- putting letters, signs or numbers on your stomach while in the tanning booth

DON'T WORRY, BE:

- the pillar of your community

- A Matador. Picadors are for quitters.

- a hard-working employee when leading up to your job's performance review, knowing that you'll be able to slack-off once you receive positive feedback

- synonymous with the words 'super cute'

- sage-like

- the middle child

- an advocate for an organization that draws awareness to fetal alcohol poisoning

- lips

- Careful.
Love,
Mom

- buttons on a hand-me-down coat

- stoic

EXAGGERATIONS BASED ON, "YOU'RE MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL"

- you're making a singer out of a songwriter

- you're making a hammock out of a hangnail

- you're making a backpack out of a brazier

- you're making a tea tree out of a bottle of tea tree oil

- you're making a Fitzgibbon out of a Fitzpatrick

- you're making a bagel out of a biali

- you're making a breast out of a bump

- you're making a sweeping generalization out of a isolated incident

MADKAST LISTOFF

MADKAST is a company that is introducing a new way to distribute and share blogs. LISTOFF was one of a handful of blogs selected to participate in the product launch. Click the green share icon to text or email a particular list. It's very easy.

EMERGENCY SITUATIONS THAT REQUIRE A PASSWORD

- when your co-pilot is making a practical joke out of withholding the password needed to contact mission control

- fiance needs it for when they cash in on the prenuptial agreement

- password protected cigarettes are a great way to quit smoking, however it does not guarantee that you wouldn't cave in if given the opportunity

- Chernobyl

- when young child needs to be picked up from school in order to make his surgery that was scheduled nine months in advance

- you are pushing the five-thousand mark on number of attempts to access your email inbox

- two words: avert catastrophe

- your technologically advanced running shoes will not unclamp from the floor ten minutes before the marathon starts (but it is partially your fault for being late since you didn't allow enough time)

- the ticket-seller forgot to give you the password required to activate the headphones with English translation of a traditional Chinese puppet opera, which is just about to start

"FOR DUMMIES" BOOK TITLES

* * * * * List By: Renoir Gaither * * * * *

- Snake Sacking for Dummies

- Cloud Spotting for Dummies

- Nostalgia for Dummies

- Banality for Dummies

- John/Jane Doe Signing for Dummies

- Zyxt, Zyxst, Zyzzyva (or the Last Words in the Dictionary) For Dummies

- Curmudgeonry for Dummies

- Myxophobia for Dummies

GENERIC AND DESCRIPTIVE NICKNAMES

- Shorty - someone who is short

- Big T. - (a) Big Thomas

- You're a Very Bad Girl - girl who is on time-out; emasculating nickname for a boy who is on time-out

- G. - geezer/elderly person

- Tiff - Tiffany; Stace - Stacy; Feeb - Phoebe; Trot - Leonid Trotsky

- Rad-Rab - rabbi

- S'loon - Stella Luna

- Mister Man - precocious boy

- Abe Lincoln - Abraham Lincoln

- Curly Mo - person with curly hair (extra-generic if person's name is Mo)

- Author - someone who writes

LIFE IS FULL OF WHIMSICAL LITTLE NUANCES

* * * * * List by: Joshua L. Weinstein * * * * *


- hey, you're under arrest just 'cause

- yes, you're right, it was Kierkegaard who said that, but it was used on "Mama's Family" first

- we're gonna have to fire you; you're old!

- Foo foo? What is this - dogs don't go "foo foo"!

- I really can't relate to your way of life so I'll throw rocks at you

- when I get back to earth I'm gonna buy some Mylanta

- protest all you want, but we will not change the name of Thursday to "George"

- hey mister, there's three dollars for you if you step on my head

UNCOMFORTABLE VISUALS INVOLVING YOUR 90 YEAR-OLD GRANDMA

* * * * * List by: Bea N. Random * * * * *

* randomstuffaboutrandomstuff.blogspot.com *

- artificially inseminating a bull

- singing a sweaty duet, cheek-to-cheek with Courtney Love

- beer-bonging (CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!)

- mechanical bull riding

- tongue-kissing your boy/girlfriend

- becoming Emo

- pole dancing

- sensual massage

- nude tennis

- break-dancing, doing The Robot or The Running Man

- assless chaps

WAYS TO PREPARE FOR A NATURAL DISASTER

- stop, drop and roll

- eat a lot so that you'll grow fat deposits to feed off, allowing you to survive during a formidable storm

- make a time capsule so that you'll remember the good ol' days

- tattoo social security number on your forehead so that once you are found you'll be easily identifiable

- make a charitable donation to increase your karmic vibes

- form alliance with Zeus so that you can fight lightning bolt with lightning bolt once the storm comes a knockin'

- shave head to reduce the risk of being snagged by a tree branch on the way down

- your car, which was once your pride and joy, will be destroyed. learn to deal with it!

- move to Shangri-la, where nothing bad ever happens

FASHION TRENDS WITH A SHELF-LIFE OF TEN MINUTES

- sport gurdle

- sweater made of recycled crab meat

- a very intelligent design student figured out a way to make a commute that usually lasts 30 minutes take four hours a conceptual fashion trend

- interchangeable trousers

- unflattering overhead lighting

- polishing your nails, out. polishing your deviated septum, in.

- for ten horrifying minutes the answer to the, "why do firefighters wear red suspenders" joke was, "to hold up their gasoline-saturated wool pants"

- the forensic scientist look

- Gumby costume for everyday use that is twice the size as normal Gumby costume

- pleated socks

- blouse embroidered with real live ball python

- textile designers team with physicists to invent Tune Thread, a fibre that is capable of storing MP3's

- third degree burns

LIKELY REACTIONS WHEN TOLD YOU JUST WON A BIRD

- this is perfect because i have a mountain of millet and sunflower seeds out back

- can you offer some suggestions on where i can take bird language classes? i must be able to talk with this bird so that i can treat it as if it were my own child.

- does it fit in my suitcase? i do a lot of traveling.

- i have a lot of questions, not the least of which is, how and why did i win a bird?

- Oh My God! This is the best thing that has ever happened to me!!!

- if this bird enjoys karate and reading science fiction we are going to get along like two peas in a pod

- i would have rather won a pet two-free-tickets-to-Jamaica

- my friend also won a bird and elected it his health proxy

THINGS YOUR ALLERGIST NEVER TOLD YOU

- "your allergy to gluten is by far the nerdiest of all the common allergies"

- "I think you have a very serious heart problem, but I'm no expert"

- "by the power invested in me, I hereby sentence you to a lifetime of discomfort and embarrassment"

- "given the empirical evidence found in your son's diaper, my conclusion is that he's VERY lactose intolerant"

- "I had my fingers crossed behind my back when we spoke about the patient-doctor confidentiality agreement"

- "I am hesitant to do a skin test because I have a serious crush on you"

- "the tests came back, and you are indeed allergic to my body odor"

- "we're now going to see if you are allergic to this powerful laser i am going to point at your eye"

RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT FOR PRODUCTS THAT NEVER MADE IT

- nose picking glove that gave all test participants a bloody nose

- a wishing well that only granted wishes to one in twenty people (and those wishes would have come true anyway)

- government-issued stamps that are only intended for use on your dog does not work for people who don't own a dog

- "groove bucket" never made it to the production phase because testers didn't have any groove to carry around

- new strain of virus. it was not marketable.

- users were unable to integrate computer and baseball cap

- taste testers who sampled bag of chips called "Court of Public Opinion Potato Chips" gave a unanimous 'No' vote

- search engine optimization unhelpful to users who just want to get stain out of shirt

HOUSE WITH UNNECESSARY ROOMS

- dentist office avoidance room

- auxiliary kitchen with walls and appliances covered in sequins

- five seasons screened-in porch

- jack-in-the-box storage closet

- Forbes 500 room

- the I'm Really Tired Room (A.K.A. guest bedroom)

- Harry Potter trophy chamber

- diversity initiative and staffing support room

- underground carriage house

- closet stacked floor to ceiling with orange juice dispensers

- bagel annex

- room for shy and passive people who really want to be alone

WHAT A DOG WOULD DO IN A HOSTAGE SITUATION

- negotiate using reverse psychology

- wear colander on head to look like a space martian

- carefully remove sheriff's badge from jacket, place in front of paws, stick up hands, and walk away slowly

- get blown up because he doesn't even know what a hostage situation is

- remove black hood from head and stick out tongue

- suggest playing a game of truth or dare

- rolling over and/or playing dead is not in this dog's vocabulary

- astonish everyone by opening yapper to negotiate in Ancient Greek

- play a rousing rendition of hits from "Fiddler on the Roof" as a really irritating distraction

- beg to be fed lamb and rice mix for last meal

THINGS A YOGA STUDIO CANNOT ACCOMMODATE

- technology

- instructors that incorporate battle and warfare techniques into their "routine"

- non-edifying behavior

- personality

- shallow promises

- obstructed lines of communication

- sharp knives / firearms

- gyroscopes that strengthen your core eliminating the need for yoga classes altogether

- corporate monoliths

- American civil war action sequences

- hierarchy

- "yoga logs" instead of yoga mats

- vinyasa and hatha, acceptable. shamalamadingdong, unacceptable.

- un-om'ing

PHRASES THAT ARE DANGEROUS WHEN TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT

- "and he also has a terminal disease, but no one bothered to tell him"

- "I hope you fall off a cliff."

- "all dressed up in a gown that looked like burnt rotini pasta"

- "was covered head to toe in Sasquatch"

- "but who knew telling Sam to choke on his own vomit would result in that kind of behavior?"

- "considering the circumstances"

- "and so we pre-gamed before the funeral"

- "definitely maybe"

- "yes, I would like to clone myself and my mother"

- "she would have wanted it this way"

- "in surgery that is mostly audience participation"

- "You are fat."

- "had to stare at that thing on Joe's face all night because we didn't know if it was going to hatch"

POLITE ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS

Q. How many hands am I holding up?
A. Two.

Q. Is today tomorrow's yesterday?
A. How many times do we have to go over this?

Q. Oh, hi, do you remember me? We met last year at Carl's party.
A. Yes.

Q. Is it possible to swim in outer space?
A. Honestly, I've never been there, so I don't feel comfortable giving you an answer.

Q. Why can't I see my own brain?
A. Because you don't have one.

Q. I was attacked by a shark and can't feel my legs anymore. Is this normal?
A. Which question would you like me to answer first?

Q. Is a hot dog the same thing as a tomato?
A. Danny, I don't have time for this.

HIGH-BROW TATTOOS

- your epitaph

- any design that will inspire at least two people to write an epic poem

- list of signators of the Declaration of Independence

- octopus tattoo with tentacles that substitute for arms

- kg. --> lb. conversion

- the word 'syllogism' and all its possible anagrams

- prism (of a unicorn)

- "mood tattoo" - changes color depending on mood, ie. blue=relaxed/tranquil/drowsy; red=fire/free-spirited/insatiable; green=currently unemployed; etc.

- "P-H-I-L-I-S-T-I-N-E"

- slice flesh into flaps that can be used as pages to a book

- A² + B² = C²

- anything Tiger Woods (or Venus Williams)

- bowl of ground cumin

- any tattoo that has a built-in computer chip and makes waterfall noises

- a green crayon, because you know that all tattoos eventually turn green

- 3.141592653. . .

- the first draft of your doctoral dissertation

- a table with three legs and "?" where the fourth should be

- instructions

- banner ads you can actually click on

- choose-you-own-adventure tattoo

- You've already landed a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. Now shoot for a design so complex it will earn you a place in the Tattoo Hall of Legends.

NEW STANDARDS IN AIRPLANE FOOD

- feed bag

- airplane food is a privilege NOT a right

- anyone who is able to finish a 60oz. hamburger between takeoff and landing wins 1,000 frequent flyer miles

- same food, different shirts

- FAA sponsors legislation that would prohibit carrot spears from in-flight meal service

- it all depends on the plane's re-routing

- "Flight Path 125-AC4" candy bar, in recognition of its terrestrial "5th Ave." candy bar cousin

- water chestnut and celery fondue

- all meals will be served buffet-style in restroom

- McTonsil's Happy Meal

- cake sculpted to resemble a compass with hand pointing NW, as new Northwest Airlines signature dessert

- something festive AND zippy

- Nothing. If you can afford a trans-Atlantic flight you can also afford to bring your own damn meal!

- mandatory pre-boarding questionnaire rating ten meals on a scale of 1-10 in order of preference. You will be fed whichever meal you ranked fifth

- plastic bags

- in plastic bags

- with plastic bags

- cherry-flavored anti-convulsive epidural to feed uncooperative passengers

NON-VERBAL WAYS OF SHOWING SOMEONE YOU CARE

- hug yourself, then point to yourself, and then point to her

- do the 'S.O.S. Clap'

- carve sideburns so they resemble a portrait of your life-partner

- "Save the Last Dance"

- tip the caterer a lot of money because it will reflect positively on you and everyone around you

- capture the rainbow in a rainbox

- give everyone two pats on the shoulder, and three pats to your special someone

- draw a diagram

- after you draw a picture of him, hang it on the wall and wait ten years. he'll know you care because you kept it on the wall for ten years.

- launch into hysterics, but only on opposite day

- exchange 'care tokens'

- take a picture of him and then pet it with the back of your index finger

SCHOLARSHIPS AND FELLOWSHIPS OF QUESTIONABLE RELEVANCE

- competitive university fellowship awarded to two (male) students to study if/what environmental influences inspire men to wear capri's in rural Kentucky

- unlimited number of scholarships given to those wanting to reconcile various competing ideas

- after-school youth program attended by recipients of the Tub, Towel and Sandals Fellowship

- fellowship awarded to two history of economics majors study the history of in-store purchase policy

- fifth annual award ceremony celebrating the International Achievements in Time Management fellow

- The Mr. and Mrs. Hilda J. Gardner Foundation, offering fellowships to those who show exceptional talent in software piracy

- What's Your Favorite Hat scholarship

- T. Ethel Grass Foundation, funding toe circumcision rituals in the Amazon River Basin

- scholarship funding long-sought answers to irrelevant questions

- F.A.O. Schwartz Scholarship, for young peoples who are REALLY good at dropping their toys behind the refrigerator