NEW STANDARDS IN AIRPLANE FOOD

- feed bag

- airplane food is a privilege NOT a right

- anyone who is able to finish a 60oz. hamburger between takeoff and landing wins 1,000 frequent flyer miles

- same food, different shirts

- FAA sponsors legislation that would prohibit carrot spears from in-flight meal service

- it all depends on the plane's re-routing

- "Flight Path 125-AC4" candy bar, in recognition of its terrestrial "5th Ave." candy bar cousin

- water chestnut and celery fondue

- all meals will be served buffet-style in restroom

- McTonsil's Happy Meal

- cake sculpted to resemble a compass with hand pointing NW, as new Northwest Airlines signature dessert

- something festive AND zippy

- Nothing. If you can afford a trans-Atlantic flight you can also afford to bring your own damn meal!

- mandatory pre-boarding questionnaire rating ten meals on a scale of 1-10 in order of preference. You will be fed whichever meal you ranked fifth

- plastic bags

- in plastic bags

- with plastic bags

- cherry-flavored anti-convulsive epidural to feed uncooperative passengers