MAGIC 8 BALL OFFERS ADVICE ON FIRST DATES

- ride around on a portable escalator

- "Burger King is Now Hiring" T-shitrs for his/hers

- don't even think about making a joke out of the 'big feet' comment

- place large stopwatch in middle of dinner table

- nephrology is NOT what you think it is

- you're a people person, remember?

- do not bring the metaphor loose cannon to life

- remember that dating is a challenge, but honoring your date's request to 'please pass the salt' is challenginglier

- expensive PH balance shampoo still makes you look like you live in a wind tunnel

- tell her that your vulnerability can be a good thing

- do not answer all of his questions with Osama bin Laden quotes

- her dad IS actually Jimmy Hoffa, so don't make light of the importance of truckers' unions

- undershirts are meant to be worn under your shirt NOT over it

- don't speak in Klingon unless she pulls up to your house in Starship Enterprise

- look at your date being in a coma as a 'challenge'

- dinner + movie = old school; dinner + hide and seek in a suitcase = new school

- give the gift of redemption, and accept the gift of salvation

- whispering to waiter that you have a loaded gun is not a funny practical joke

- paying for meal in magical tokens may prove that you are actually of authentic pirate blood

- walk on ceiling with sticky shoes

- demonstrate that sheet rock is NOT actually rock by putting your head through it

- tell her you can overhear her thoughts, and completely agree that koala bear stuffed animals are sooo cute!

- running commentary on prominent birthmark may make date feel uncomfortable

- say her your new funny laugh joke