OUTRAGEOUS GIFTS EXCHANGED AT LAST YEAR'S WHITE ELEPHANT PARTY

- topsoil used by Abraham Lincoln

- Glue, the main character from the movie, "The Return of Glue"

- autographed jersey from the Bite Me Hall of Fame

- sepia tone module

- box of skin abrasions

- grab bag of 1.5 million spent ink jet printer cartridges

- 'Ergo Dome'

- unidentifiable yet authentic relic from the Coptic Church

- garment bag sewn of tungsten fibers

- really uncomfortable sexual euphemisms

- certificate of monetary gift equaling: 1/800 of an orangutan, 4 purple mushrooms, 1/6 cockatoo, 10² meters of rainforest

- unheard sounds

- a spool of electric tape that when unwound could wrap around the equator five times

- 'moon coral'

- the gift of knowing you are celebrating yet another year of exchanging meaningless crap

- three used beef bullion cubes